Words I don't like. Complimentary.(Shudder!) K was asking for a complimentary water at the movies. Totally unnecessary. Just ask for a water. And in turn we all know it's going to be...complimentary.
But the word horny reminded me of it. I prefer to think of it as something else. That state of being horny....gross, what kind of word is that anyway? How about....I felt very flirty? But that's sort of misleading. I'm sure I could feel flirty without feeling horny, but anyway.
I couldn't decide what I wanted to write about. While I was doing my dishes, I first came up with an idea of just writing a letter to myself. The other was talking about me and dating...and flirting in general. Maybe I can do both?
Can I just come right out and say it? I think I'm hard to date. Infact I don't think I would even be fun to date; or fun to court. I don't know. I think I'm kind of difficult in that area. But I've always said this, and if people ask why...I can never answer them. But tonight while doing the dishes (I always get very reflective when I have to do the dishes ;) I started thinking of all these things. Let me try to find a starting place....
How about this. I'm difficult. I listen to bad music, ahem, 80s. I watch bad movies; i, uh, am content to not have to think, so I basically love every movie. I have a terrible case of ambiversion, and you never know when it's going to strike. I'm a little too open at times, and take no concern for tact, or "white lies" to make things go smooth. I'm terribly boring at times. Sometimes I don't want to talk (although this all goes along with the ambiversion thing) and if I do start to talk, sometimes I'll ramble about the most odd and pointless things. I once talked about the dangers of having "dead trees" in your yard for 15 minutes. Dead trees. God, what's wrong with me?! No, for real though, what's wrong with my friend, who let me talk about dead trees for so long! But now it's kind of a joke for whenever I start rambling. (Uh....dead trees, aglaia!)
So I go on...i am too sensitive. I cry over everything. I'm weak and pathetic. I do well somewhat school wise, but on the streets I'm either naive, or a ditz. I don't do drugs, drink, or smoke. Sometimes I'm immature. Sometimes I'm too serious. I'm romatic in my head, but have trouble expressing my feelings. Sometimes I think about things too much. I have trouble making decisions. I procrastinate. I'm probably a bad kisser, I analyze "signs" too much, and i've yet to make my boyfriend come, so my blow jobs probably suck. ;)
I'm super picky with my food. If you took me home for mama's cooking, I probably couldn't eat it, and she'd be mad. ;)
I tease.
I'm really into God, but for you Christians...I'm not one.
...but I like to hang with Christians...and I want to be with a guy who's into God...who ends up being a Christian..but...well you can see the difficulty.
In my mind I'll want to be "kissy kissy" but in public, I'm not even likely to stand by you. (I can't stand gossip. It ruins relationships, especially fresh ones.) I'll want to make "first moves" but I'll be likely to wait for you to make them. Sometimes I seem "cold" at first when you're courting, because I don't know if you're playing or for real. Even though I'm screaming like a middle school girl inside, "Johnny likes me, gee wow!".
I don't know. I just don't seem like very much fun for the guys I've been with. Do I just have a bad case of teenager angst and "what's wrong with me.", or is there something really wrong with me? I appear to be enjoyable for my friends. Why can't I do it for a guy? And my guy friends seem to like me, so why can't i find a romantic interest that can tie in the same things. Is this as good as it gets, or is something better to come. I shouldn't expect a soul mate, everytime, but I should be having a better time than this, right? Please tell me there's more than "getting some" or getting to bond with his friends, right?
There really are going to be guys that I will love to talk with about whatever, and we won't even necessarily "fall in love" with, but I'll have a dandy relationship with...that could happen, right?
I feel what I'm looking for right now is a best friend type. Some guy I could go out with, pour my heart too...about life in general ;) and him too of course, and just smooch or what not. Nothing racy ;) Unless of course, we decide that's someplace we'd like to move into. But I just want a hang out guy. I really really am needing a close guy friend at the moment. All of mine have gone to different colleges. And that darn female dorm. I'm so screwed. I hate girls! ;)
I'm like this ball of sexual energy. And I don't know what to do with myself, or these feelings. I would be happy right now just to get some attention. I think I can understand Holly on this level.
I push myself into this. I don't know, I form a me...and idea of me, but who is me? I don't know who I am. Do any of us know? And i'm striving to remember as CWG would so wisely tell me. This stage, this step is all part of the circle, and I appreciate these experiences that make me question.
The other night I was talking about jealousy and bitterness. Awful things. I would try to counter attack these feelings within myself with compliments and praise. Somehow, not let me be consumed with such negative and hateful feelings. I would shower the person who had what I wanted. I would tell them how wonderful they were. Or how I admired them. What great opportunites they had. How smart they were. How beautiful. I think it's a little deceiving...to myself and the other person. But it has to be better than letting me seethe in my emotions. Or even worse....tell them or others what or how I felt about them or their things. And like wise, I find myself in a situation where I need to break up with Tim. Perhaps I will use this reverse psychology with him too. Because although it is not a "me/you" problem...(it's an US!) I think i'll go out with the flames with compliments and praise.
Tom Cruise in Cocktail said that all things end badly or else they wouldn't have to end. But perhaps we can end this as best as possible. I'd rather leave it be that it just wasn't right, opposed to listing all the faults and problems I had with him. He'll probably never even know. But that's okay, i mean he doesn't really need to know. Not now. I'm sure other girlfriends will let him know. ;)
So how is it going to go? Maybe I'll get on a level eye to eye. Him sitting, me on the floor propped with my arms crossed and placed apon his legs. A somewhat flirty but "into attention" position. I'll begin, with the praise. I'll tell him exactly what attracted me to him. His personable attitude. His wonderful humor and people abilities. His cute face that grows on you. His smile when he would look at me. Maybe by this point I'll have propped myself at an angle with him. Arms or head leaning against the side or arm of couch or chair. And I would continue, only to realize that anything i say more, would have to put myself down, and it would eventually end up in a "it's me not you." And that's wrong.
So I start over. Well if i'm the one who is always saying I shouldn't tip toe. Why am i tip toeing now? Hmm, and what do I really want to say to him? In all honesty?
"Look boy we have nothing in common. Please don't tell me you haven't noticed! We can't even agree on simple things like where to go or food. Dude, not only do you not like my fave fruit, grapes, you can't stand them. Grapes! If you can't even handle grapes, then how obvious we will fail in other areas. For the most part we clash in music tastes. Don't agree on clothes, or style. Don't agree on friends. I can't stand how you disobey your God. And to be truthful, I feel bad...being "bad" when i know you shoudn't be doing it, and it stresses me out, knowing you might actually be convicted later on. We don't have a thing to talk about. You can't deal with a silent car ride. You'll never hold my hand, and you joke about things that aren't funny. No, I'm sorry joking that it would be funny if you broke up with me...uh, that *Isn't* funny.. You don't call when you say you will. You don't seem to notice or care that we never see each other. I think you'd rather hang with Devon than with me, so I can't really figure out why we're still together. It's been a fun experience, and I've learned a lot. catch you later, Tim. See you around.
