I think I'm going to approach him very bluntly. Sort of. I mean I'm not the type to...well, I get tired trying to say something...without just coming right out and saying it. So if I'm going to approach him, it will have to be bluntly. It's how I will say it, that will take the edge of it.
But how? I think I will "play" with it. Sort of matter-of-factly. I think he's going to tell I'm really pissed with how I'm saying it. But I will say it, without looking or sounding angry. More of accusations, without that accusing sound and pointing fingers. I'm just going to lay out what's been happening. So he can paint himself a little picture. And I'm hoping once he sees the finish product, he'll realize that he's messed up really bad. And when he notices this....I'm hoping he'll apolize. I'm hoping he'll give me explanations. C'mon, I'm easy. I'll let you walk all over me forever. I'll live with excuses, I'll even make them for you. But I need to see some kind of change. Our relationship is beginning to feel rediculous again.
Not only is it upsetting to watch it happen; it's tiring and frustrating to be a part of it. I want to feel like it's going somewhere. Or at least just going.... And that's the worst of it. It's not even going. And if it's not even going, then seriously what the hell is the point? I mean we like to think of things going somewhere. But when it isn't even going, if it's not moving at all, then it doesn't really exist. Except I've got this chain on me that says it does. It doesn't make me feel good. And it definitly makes me look bad. What the heck are we doing anyway?
Lemme practice. I just wrote some stuff, but now it's been deleted.Forget it. I can't practice, because it gets to this point I want to scream. Not really because I'm angry...I've already been through that. But more because I'm so confused. What is he doing. I mean he's driving me crazy. I don't know if I'm being paranoid, or if I'm supposed to take this all in, and see it as "signs." I mean cuz I feel like I'm something out of a 'Teen magazine. "When he stops calling, and is always busy with his friends, it probably means it over, and he's just trying to avoid the issue."
So is that the story, morning glory? Are ya telling me something here?
Or is he really just busy. Is he just feeling a "boy cycle"; is he just needing some space? Is he feeling guilty about our intimacy? Does he straight up not like me? I mean cuz if that's the issue then why is he with me? Why is he doing this? It feels so immature. I feel like I'm in middle school. I feel like...well stupid. I've never felt so cheesily "confused" over a boy before. I don't know if I should justify his actions, or confront him. I don't know if he's acting like a jerk, or if he doesn't even know he's doing it.
Maybe I'll do it something like this...."Hey can I tell you this story? So I know this guy named Tim, well, actually we're dating, you know, going out for about nine months. But it's weird. I keep on calling him...but he's never home. Or he's too tired, or...not feeling so good. So I'm thinking, gee that's too bad, cuz you know, it gets kind of disappointing when you want to see someone, but you never get to. And I want to see him....but he never really wants to see me, so I was thinking....Maybe he's sending me some signs. Like he doesn't like me. But I was all confused. You know, if he doesn't like me, why doesn't he just break up with me. ....Because, it can't really be too much fun for him, being with someone he doesn't like. Because I can tell you...it's not too much fun being on the other side of things. So what do you think I should do? Ah, and that's probably a little like how it's going to go down.
I'm going to church tomorrow. Maybe I'll do it then. I don't know what I feel right now. At least I've passed some of my earlier stages. First sad, then mad, then frustrated....well I'm still frustrated, but more just helpless right now. But maybe this is a good place to be. Sort of like, I'm at the lowest I could be. Figuring the theory goes, I can only go up from here. Because would getting dumped, or dumping him, be anything but liberating. Ah Singledom. It's been awhile. I'm not sure how I feel about the idea. But I suppose while I enjoy the benefits of having a boyfriend. It's no fun, being restricted by a boyfriend...but never getting to see him....which I uh, believe is when the benefits of actually have one...come into place. I feel like a fool. I'm feeling so dumb about the situation, I'm about to pick up Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, just so I could understand the situation. I really feel so cliched right now. I don't know if I'm being naive with what's going on, or I'm valid in following along with his excuses. It really could go either way. Well I'm tired. So goodnight.
"At night I think of you...I want to be your lady, baby. If your game is on, give me a call Boo. (If you get it together Tim...!) I'll give it all to you." It's true.--So So Def Bass All Stars
