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There is one thing in this life that has always bothered me. It keeps me up nights, sometimes, and plagues me at various times during the day. This enigma is about rappers. What is so great about a rapper? Why are other people so attracted to them? Upon hearing of the death of one of my personal favorites, Big Pun, I decided to analyze some song lyrics and hopefully divulge some truth.
First of all, I thought about Big Pun. Big Pun was 698 pounds when he died. He was freakin' huge!! I mean, everyone thought that the Notorious BIG was huge? but he was nothing compared to Big Pun! Anyway, what makes me wonder is that both of these large men had an endless supply of women. Notorious BIG was known for his song, "Big Poppa" which contains the line, 'You got a gun up in your waist, please don't shoot up the place, cause I seen some ladies tonight that should be havin' my baby.' Now it really looks like Notorious BIG might eat babies for lunch, much less have them. Big Pun's greatest song was called, "Still Not a Playa". The chorus for this rap song is, 'I'm not a playa, I just crush a lot.' Now the actual unedited version of that uses a much more descriptive word than 'crush' which implies that Big Pun got around a lot? He's huge. I swear, with 700 pounds? he'd crush girls.
Aside from all of these huge rappers, the ones who are sort of thin and slightly attractive still write these pathetic rap songs. Actually, to begin this section, I would like to talk about one rapper who writes somewhat romantic songs. Puff Daddy has this one song called "Satisfy You". It's basically about how he likes this girl and he wants to treat her right and tell her nice things and be there for her and take care of her. He does use the line, 'That's why I chose you: cause you get down for yours and ride like a soldja,' and I'm not really sure what that means, but it kind of makes me laugh to think about it. But as silly as it sounds, it is by far not the worst line that rappers use to try to impress girls. An old favorite from way back in the day, Digital Underground, says in "The Humpty Dance," 'I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.' Now I don't know what girl would be sitting around her house listening to this song saying, 'Hey that Humpty guy has the right idea, I've always wanted to go to one of those dirty bathrooms with broken lights and wet floors to make sweet love, I'm calling him.' The same goes for R. Kelly. Now, I admit, it was ever so fun to dance to "You Remind Me of Something," but not because I ever hoped to remind him of anything. He says, "Girl you look just like my Jeep, I wanna wax it." Now if some guy ever told me I looked like his Jeep? I would make him sleep in it. My final example comes from one of my favorite rap songs of all time, "Back that Ass Up." This song is a perfect example of talentless people getting much praise and fame. The guy who sings it, Juvenile, is this skinny little rapper with silver teeth. He prances around in his video throwing water on his head and showing these big, fat girls shaking their bootys in front of the camera. Some choice lines from the song are, 'Wanna walk it like a dog yeah' and 'You's a big fine woman, won't you back that ass up?' For whatever reason, the chicks are on this guy.
Now as much as I appreciate this stuff, and I do, I really love dancing to it in clubs, I think I will stick to the good old romantic stuff to put me in the mood for love. While 'That butt you got makes me so horny' may satisfy some people? there's nothing I love so much as "Wonderful Tonight". Maybe someday I'll understand what it is about rappers, but until then, I think they should leave the love songs to the guys who know what they're doing.
