The End of These Days

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" width=200 BGCOLOR="#003399" TEXT="#080000" background="03fc8c00erkjxk.jpg"> <div> <B>This is a post -ep to "18th & Potomac" and is from multiple points of view.</B></div> </td> <td valign="top" BGCOLOR="#0066CC" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#99CCFF" FACE="Edwardian Script ITC" ><B>Smiles, Tears, & Happy Endings</B></FONT><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FFFF99" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#CC0000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>  |     <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Smiles, Tears, Happy Endings"><U>home</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id18.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Brandys Stories"><U>Brandy's Stories</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id24.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Other Side"><U>The Other Side</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id25.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Getaway"><U>Getaway</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id32.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Deserved Recognition"><U>Deserved Recognition</U></A>   |   <B>The End of These Days</B>   |   <A HREF="id34.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Moving On"><U>Moving On</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id35.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Lessons Learned Shared"><U>Lessons- Learned & Shared</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id43.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="So, I Had This Dream..."><U>So, I Had This Dream...</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id214.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Perfect Plan"><U>The Perfect Plan</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id215.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Incredibly Campy Road Trip From Hell"><U>The Incredibly Campy Road Trip From Hell</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id216.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="A Whole New Story"><U>A Whole New Story</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id217.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="What Are Friends For? "><U>What Are Friends For? </U></A>   |   <A HREF="id218.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Walking The Wire"><U>Walking The Wire</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id219.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Foreshadowing, Omens Evidence of Other "><U>Foreshadowing, Omens & Evidence of Other Things in the Wind</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id222.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Up Against the Wall"><U>Up Against the Wall</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id223.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Sum Of My Fears"><U>The Sum Of My Fears</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id220.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Our Dance"><U>Our Dance</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id221.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Shes Got a Way"><U>She's Got a Way</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id52.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Take My Hand"><U>Take My Hand</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id53.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="May Perspective"><U>May Perspective</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id56.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="How Bad Can It Get"><U>How Bad Can It Get</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id181.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Small Mistakes"><U>Small Mistakes</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id182.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Nightcaps"><U>Nightcaps</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id183.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Crazy Boys"><U>Crazy Boys</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id184.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="A Need For Comfort"><U>A Need For Comfort</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id81.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Looking Back"><U>Looking Back</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id109.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Nature of Family"><U>The Nature of Family</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id210.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Wistful Thoughts On A Snowy Night"><U>Wistful Thoughts On A Snowy Night</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id212.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="A Good Brother/Son/Friend"><U>A Good Brother/Son/Friend</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id111.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="When All Else Fails"><U>When All Else Fails</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id187.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Someone Like You"><U>Someone Like You</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id213.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="A Wish For My Friend"><U>A Wish For My Friend</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id188.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Unspoken"><U>Unspoken</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id189.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="A Brief Glimpse"><U>A Brief Glimpse</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id190.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Sanctuary"><U>Sanctuary</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id191.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Contemplation"><U>Contemplation</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id192.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Dirty Work"><U>Dirty Work</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id193.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Precious Moments"><U>Precious Moments</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id194.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Almost Normal"><U>Almost Normal</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id195.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Never Enough"><U>Never Enough</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id112.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The World According To Mark..."><U>The World According To Mark...</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id135.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Heart Cards, Flowers Sweet Stuff"><U>Heart Cards, Flowers & Sweet Stuff</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id185.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Amazed"><U>Amazed</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id199.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Last Call of the Night"><U>Last Call of the Night</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id206.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Fortuitous Visitor"><U>The Fortuitous Visitor</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id136.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Loose Ends"><U>Loose Ends</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id225.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="TeaSympathy Under the Mistletoe"><U>Tea&Sympathy Under the Mistletoe</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id229.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Not So Much Looking Good As Being Good"><U>Not So Much Looking Good As Being Good</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id230.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Moment of Truth"><U>The Moment of Truth</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id231.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Control Choices"><U>Control & Choices</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id36.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Anniversaries AdoAnnie"><U>Anniversaries & Ado-Annie</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id37.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The NonOccasion Occasion"><U>The Non-Occasion Occasion</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id38.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Interlude"><U>Interlude</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id39.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Misdirection Understatement"><U>Misdirection & Understatement</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id51.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Meeting, Damn Depositions Rules"><U>Meeting, Damn Depositions & Rules</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id54.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Realizations Revelations"><U>Realizations &Revelations</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id207.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="A Liberating Quality"><U>A Liberating Quality</U></A></div> <div> The End of These Days</div> <bR> <div>     ~Josh~</div> <bR> <bR> <div>    There are certain moments that define your life. They are like mile-markers on the road of your life that give you a point of reference. The day I sat in a VFW Hall in Nashua was one of those. I sat there, thinking about ten other things I needed to be doing. My total lack of interest in what was being said  illustrated by the crossword puzzle I was absently doing while the New Hampshire governor/ presidential-wanna-be rattled on about tax problems and married couples. Then the question came- the one about the New England dairy farmers. I still was only half listening- then he answered, and the answer was so out of character for a politician that my attention was immediately peaked.</div> <bR> <bR> <div>    " Yeah…you got screwed on that one."</div> <div>   " Excuse me?"</div> <div>    " You got rogered , but good…"</div> <div>    Then he proceeded to explain that he had voted down a measure that would have enhanced the earning power of dairy farmers in order to keep the price of milk more affordable for those who already had a hard enough time affording it. He talked about the children living in poverty in this, the richest country in the world. He went on to say that if the public expected him to do other than what he thought was right and just, then they should vote for someone else. At that moment I knew that Jed Bartlet was, as Sam put it, the ‘real thing’. I was in from that moment. In for the long haul. I left that night, got Sam on board and gave Hoynes my resignation. </div> <div>   On the heels of that there were so many things- the day Donna walked into the campaign office and hired herself as my assistant. The moment it looked as though our goal was within reach and we would make it to the White House. Then there was the next of those mile-markers. My father dying the night of the Illinois primary- just as we had gotten the good news. Donna coming to tell me, all in a rush -as though that old thing about the quickest cut being the kindest was true. It was - but the funny thing about news like that was that you never heard it the way the person said it. You heard it in some sort of distorted agonizing slow motion, compounded  by your brain refusing to compute the words. Then it hits- in the center of your brain like some emotional bomb. My father- the man who had persuaded me to go to law school, who had inspired me to public service, who knew that even though his son had a brilliant mind that it would never see it’s potential in a courtroom. My father- that would have loved to see his son be the man who helped the president get things done.</div> <div>    The next big mile-marker was the shooting. That was the moment when  everything tilted crazily on it’s axis and it stayed tilted for a good long time. Time, Leo, Donna and a good therapist got me to the other side of that. Then , just as the world was starting to spin  on it’s correct tilt again , Leo called me into the Oval office for a meeting with him and the President. I sat there and I heard the words…just like I had heard Donna that night in Illinois when she told me my father was dead. The words were slow to penetrate- M.S…remission…relapsing-remitting…the flu last February that really wasn’t. Then there were the words not said- shock, betrayal, anger, fear, the horrifying thought of what the outcome of the disease would be. That mind of his. That Nobel prize-winning, trivia spouting, sharp as a tack mind. The absolute unfairness of it all.</div> <div>  Then as I had done with my father, I accepted it as fact. It was true. What he could have done was immaterial at this point. It was done. The important thing was how to make sure that this one mistake by this brilliant, yet mortal and thus fallible man not bring the whole house of cards tumbling around our ears. </div> <div>   The last few days as everyone came to know the news- well everyone inside, everyone on the senior staff- was hard. CJ scared me that night as I walked alongside her and she made Butch and Sundance analogies and laughed that awful ,haunted, bitter laugh. The way she unconsciously or maybe consciously separated herself from us. There are moments when I let myself, that I feel that same shiver of fear up my spine as I watch her - in those meetings in the basement, during her briefings…CJ has always been tough- but this…this is different. There’s an edge there now- a jaded ,bitter resolve to her actions. She looks tired- no, weary. She looks almost too weary to go on sometimes. Usually I don’t let myself think about that. There is simply no time for fear right now.</div> <div>    Sam was a surprise. I thought of all of us Sam would take it the hardest of all. For a lawyer and a man who has quickly learned how ruthless politics can be, Sam has managed to retain a certain innocence. It’s not that he’s really naive- he knows the score…he just simply chooses to believe that the good guys will win in the end. I thought Sam would be hurt and disillusioned and he was , but not to the exclusion of his devotion to the President. He doesn’t like where we are or how we got here- in terms of this… lie- omission- whatever you want to call it, but he still believes in President Bartlet. For that, I’m thankful, cause we’re going to need Sam in the days to come…Sam and his clearly defined sense of right. He may be the only one to show us how to present this to the people so they won’t feel like they’ve been played.</div> <bR> <bR> <div>    Leo told me that when Toby found out he nearly blew the ceiling off the White House. I can believe that. If there was ever a man that hates being blind-sided, it’s Toby. I’ve been observing him the last couple of days though and he seems to be handling it now. He’s in damage control and strategy mode and that’s second nature to Toby. In other words- he’s coping. But given his first reaction  I was a little surprised by what he said when I asked him about telling Donna the news. </div> <div>   " If everyone takes it the way she did, we might be okay. If a few more people in here took it that way, it’d be alright too."</div> <div>   " Was that for me?" I asked.</div> <div>   " No, it was for me."</div> <bR> <bR> <div>     It doesn’t surprise me that Donna took it the way she did- at least  in front of Toby. To Toby she never would have shown how devastating it is to hear something like that about someone you’ve come to care for and respect as much as she does President Bartlet. I doubt that she would even, or will even show it to me. Not fully. She will be what is in her nature to be. She will be the anchor that holds me in place. She will be the life preserver I cling too. She has done it so many times, and the ease and grace with which she does it never fails to amaze me. Even when she let me know that she knew…she did it in such a way to let me know that she was there for me to lean on. She did it without fanfare or comment and when I asked her if she was okay, she said what she knew I needed to hear. If I have never fully illustrated to her how valuable she is to me , I need to do it before this is all over. </div> <bR> <bR> <div>   Here I sit, in my darkened office, trying for a few moments of peace. Just to let my mind rest for a moment- just to let everything stop. I need this, since in another hour or so I’ll be in a meeting with the President, in the residence while we discuss whether or not he’ll be seeking re-election. In the wake of everything that I’ve come to know in the last week, especially after Joey’s poll- the almost comical absurdity of the president’s plans or wishes has not escaped me. I need to leave this alone. My mind needs to leave this alone and just wait for Donna to return with our food. We both need ,if not a break- then a pause from all of this. At least I know I do.</div> <div>   I feel more than hear someone’s’ presence at the door of my office. I look up and see Donna standing there. She has this look on her face, a look I’ve never seen. She looks absolutely stricken.</div> <div>    " Donna?"</div> <div> She continues to stand there and the fear that I felt when I watched CJ that night, it’s nothing  compared to this. This feels like the bottom just dropped out of everything.</div> <div>    " Donna? What’s wrong?" I walk around my desk and I’m standing right in front of her. She looks like she’s going to fall over and I reach out to put my hands on her shoulders, but whether it’s to steady her or myself, I’m not sure. She takes this breath, like you would imagine someone would just before they take the plunge off the Empire State building. This supposedly calming  breath scares me more than anything, but before I can do or say anything she starts to speak.</div> <div>   " I just saw…I just saw Charlie. There was a call- an accident. Charlie said…Josh, Mrs. Landingham was killed in a car accident." </div> <div>   I hear those words- just like the others. I can hear my brain screaming it’s denial, but for the life of me, I can’t say a word. I do the only thing I can do. I pull Donna into my arms and closing my eyes I hold on for dear life.</div> <bR> <bR> <div>    Another mile-marker just passed by, and the road ahead looks bad.</div> <bR> <bR> <div> *************************************************************************************</div> <bR> <bR> <div>    ~Donna ~</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> I’ve never loved  doing anything as much as I’ve loved working in this place among these people. Sure, it’s been tough and challenging and at times the hours and the demands are totally unbelievable, but at the end of the day- it’s worth it.</div> <div>   When I first joined this group- during the campaign- I was not the most confident or self- assured person in the world. Life had been having it’s fun with me for awhile before I got there, and I was a little worse for wear. But something happened somewhere along the way- I learned that I’m a lot tougher than I look. By the time we made it to the White House and I was sure of my place with Josh, I began to exercise that hard won confidence. Mostly it was with Josh and he was no day at the beach, let me tell you. However , I learned something about him and about myself as well- as much as I depended on the confidence he put in me, he depended on it too. He made it easy for me to excel in my job. A new challenge from day to day will do that for you. Don’t get me wrong- I’m not giving Josh credit for my confidence in myself. He did, however give me the tools to discover it and nurture it, or at the very least the opportunity. Still it took some time before I could show that with the others here. Slowly I did and with each one I discovered yet another facet of myself and of them. </div> <div>   Where once I was just on the outside of the inner-circle of those that serve the President, now I’m feeling my way in. That’s why when Toby told me the "shocking news" I accepted it and went on. He was right- we don’t have time to be shocked….but we are. It’s funny the things you don’t see until the last piece of the puzzle is put in place. There was that episode the other day with Toby going ballistic in the bullpen over the school vouchers leak. Leaks happen. Toby knows that’s…hell, I know that. So, we all endured Toby’s screaming and ranting and had a little fun with CJ…well actually at CJ’s expense. I think that was actually the last moment of unrelieved levity around here since the dominos started to tumble. Shortly after all that Josh started being pensive and secretive and for a brief moment I started to worry about  his PTSD returning, but I abandoned that thought almost as soon as I had it. This was serious but it wasn’t any sort of stress disorder manifesting itself- this was something…huge. Then I started noticing CJ- not the CJ I’m used to seeing. Not the CJ who could be juggling four or five things at once, with a couple on the back burner and do it all with grace, aplomb and good humor. This CJ was hard and curt and she looked like the only humor coming out of her would be of the dark kind. Sam had lost his smile and even more importantly , that twinkle in his eyes that showed just how much fun he had doing what he did. The hardest thing for me to watch though was the way Josh looked away when he made some excuse for where he would be and why. When you keep a man’s schedule you know more about him than most people know and it’s not the easiest thing in the world for him to keep a secret from you. Especially not when he has the worlds worst poker face in history. I’ve long understood that there are things that Josh sees and knows about that I simply can not be privy to- but this was not that type of thing. This was not - ‘it’s a security thing and you can’t know about it’- this was something that he wanted very badly  to tell me but wasn’t sure how to. Now that I think back on the last few days, I think he wanted to give me just a little more time. Time to not have to feel the way he and everyone else that knows seems to feel. He really shouldn’t have worried about me. He should have told me and let me help. But maybe he feels that way about the President not telling him and the others…maybe part of them wanted to be able to give that to him- that aid, that support- so that he wouldn’t feel like he was fighting it alone. There really is no way to tell and speculation now is useless. He didn’t tell us or the rest of the country and though that may have been wrong- it happened…is happening to him.</div> <div>   So I was told…not by Josh, but by Toby. Maybe that was the way it was meant to happen. I was able to have that moment to absorb it and go on without having to react to Josh and his feelings at the same time. With Josh it would have been different- there would have been no time to absorb it and that one brief moment that was crucial to my composure would have been swept away in my concern for Josh. I needed that moment more than I can explain…because in that moment I heard two words echoing in my head. Two words I have heard President Bartlet say on countless occasions- ‘What’s next?’. Those two words gave me the strength to ask Toby, "Is there anything else?". Those two words made it possible for me to turn, and put one foot in front of the other and walk back to my desk, back to work. To do what I had to do-to do what was needed. </div> <bR> <bR> <div>   Josh looked a little better when he came back from his meeting with Leo. He looked like the famous Lyman fighting spirit was on the comeback. That in itself was like a balm to my heart after this day. In fact, it did enough for my spirit at that particular moment  that I managed to let Josh harangue me into to going to the deli four blocks over to get us some dinner. On my way out I decided to stop by and ask Margaret if she wanted anything. On the way I ran into Charlie and stopped. I opened my mouth to ask him if he wanted anything and the look on his face stopped me cold. For the longest moment he didn’t say a word and then in that quiet, understated voice of his he began to tell me the second shocking thing I would hear that day. But this wasn’t shocking- this was unthinkable- it was wrong. It had to be. For just the briefest of moments I had a mental flashback to the night Josh was shot. That moment of terror -inspired idiocy that made it impossible to comprehend what the person speaking to me was trying to say. It seemed that that particular moment was not to be repeated however…I understood what Charlie was saying all too well. I didn’t want to though.- but I understood. My mind was screaming against the knowledge though…. ‘It was too much- not now …Not on top of everything else that he has to face… that we all have to face. It can’t possibly be true that someone that vibrant and alive could be gone just like that- in the blink of an eye.’ Charlie stood there for a moment longer… then said something about needing to tend to something and walked on. At first I couldn’t move, then quite of their own volition, my feet began to move in the direction of Josh’s office.</div> <div>   I was indeed putting one foot in front of the other…but the thought of what was next terrified me. </div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div>    ~Sam~</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div>   I always thought there were things you were sure of- that you could count on. The sun rising every morning, flowers blooming in the spring, Christmas coming on December twenty-fifth- the absolute stuff. I thought I knew that my parents would always be there- together, for the rest of their lives, growing old together. It turns out I was wrong about that. They aren’t together anymore- in fact I wonder if they’ve really been together for a very long time. That’s kind of hard to take when it’s your parents, because you put them up there- as an example of who you are and where you came from. They molded you, shaped your ideals and perception of the world- they created you. Somewhere along the line however you come to the realization that they are people in and of themselves- separate from you. They have their own wants and desires and well…weaknesses. When I found out about the deception my father had been perpetrating for the last twenty-six years I felt hurt and betrayed, and not just because of what he’d done to my mother- but because he made me question who I was . If this man was my role model in life , then who did that make me? Finally I came around to the realization that my fathers’ sins weren’t mine, but more importantly - he was still the man who loved me and raised me and taught me to sail. He did all those things and  whatever else he’d done  didn’t diminish that. One of these days I’m going to have to thank him for helping me reach that epiphany. It helped me a lot the other night as I sat in the Oval office and listened to the President and Leo as they told me about the President’s illness and his deception. For a moment I experienced that same anger  and hurt and betrayal and then I looked at President Bartlet, not the title, not the position, but the man himself. I saw how badly he needed me to understand the why of what he’d done- not just what he’d done. There was no pleading in his expression, just a clear desire that I understand . And I did. I didn’t like it, but I understood.</div> <div>   From that moment to this I’ve thought of nothing else but how to make everyone else understand. It won’t be easy - it may even be impossible. People have a hard time understanding  any public figure not leaping at the chance to disclose every single facet of their life. They feel that once you are in the public eye that you belong to them. Every single facet of everything you do is scrutinized and dissected, and at some point the things that you say and do become either entirely wrong or entirely right. It’s all black and white, without any shade of gray. That’s why the presentation of facts is so important. It not about obscuring and hiding things- it’s about allowing the listener to identify with the speaker- to spend one moment in their shoes. Sure, we spin guys have a reputation for bullshit and lies, and it’s usually a well deserved reputation. This time though it can’t be spun. The people need the total truth, because nothing else will do. They need to understand as I did that this secret, this lie doesn’t diminish what this man has done for this country- what he’s given …what he can still give.  If he decides to run again….If the people will let him.</div> <div>    So I wait- I wait for the decision that he’ll give us this evening. That decision could shape so many things to come and to be perfectly honest- I have no idea what he will decide. I hope he does decide to stay and fight- not just for us but for himself. </div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div>     Josh just left my office. He came to tell me that there had been an accident. He told me that Mrs. Landingham was dead. He asked if I was okay. I don’t even think I answered him. I’m not sure if I am though- I’m not sure of much of anything anymore. I once thought that there were certain things that you could be sure of…</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div>  ~Claudia Jean~</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div>    As soon as the meeting with Leo was over I had the overwhelming urge to get out of this place. I’m tired…no, more than tired- I’m bone weary. I need some sort of sanctuary and I realized that if I didn’t get it soon that I was going to lose it. So I head home. Back to my beautiful yet underused apartment where I feel more and more like a visitor every time I walk through the door. Still it’s mine and it’s quiet. I walked in, dropped my bag by the door, kicked my shoes off and walk straight to the stereo. I needed sensory sustenance. Flipping through my c.d.’s I landed on the perfect combination; Billie Holliday and Sarah Vaughn. That done I walked over to the wine cabinet and pulled out a bottle of private stock from my parents’ vineyard and poured myself a nice big glass. When life has kicked the shit out of you there’s nothing like a transfusion from the gods. Well, that was a poetic rationalization for drinking wasn’t it? I wonder who would be more impressed- Sam or Toby?</div> <div>    Maybe I should have stayed in public relations. Maybe I should have kissed the ass of that slimy little producer with delusions of grandeur and stayed in L.A. Or maybe I should take the blues off the stereo and put the bottle away, since I’m singing the blues pretty well on my own and the last thing I need is a another depressant. Well, I’ll put the bottle away anyway. This one glass will do me fine, thank you very much. I still need to keep my wits somewhere in reach- God knows what else will happen in the next few hours and I’ll need to put on my professional face and play the game. Did I mention that I was sick of the game? Not the job I had been doing before all this nonsense started . I loved that…I would love it again. If only…if only I had known early on- maybe in the beginning or at least when Leo found out. If only I hadn’t been blindsided by this and then interrogated by that pedantic little tyrant Babish. Okay, so he isn’t little, in fact he’s one of the few men around here that’s in a position at least equal to mine that doesn’t have to look up at me. And let me tell you something- it kind of pisses me off that he doesn’t . Being tall might be a drawback when you’re a gangly teenager, unsure of yourself and trying to fit in- but it can be a hell of a leveler when you play on the same court with the big boys.  Well, that’s just another in a long line of things I can’t do anything about. The little piss-ant was right about one thing- I am pissed off at the world right about now, he was wrong when he said I had no particular reason though. I have a reason. In fact I have a few. </div> <div>    I’m pissed that we were all kept in the dark about this for far too long. I’m pissed that once this gets out there’s going to be no way to control the paranoia and distrust, regardless of Toby and Sam’s hopes. I’m pissed that a man I’ve admired and liked since I met him has this horrible disease that’s slowly going to take away the very things that make him the extraordinary man he is. I’m pissed that when this comes out I’m either going to look like a fool or a conspirator, so either way I’m screwed. I’m the public face of our message, and the news that we give the public. Finally, I’m pissed that in the face of such monumental events, I’m worried about how this is going to make me look. </div> <div>   So I take out the fact that I’m scared and pissed on everyone. I’m sharp and curt with everyone and all that negative crap is bouncing right back on me.  I need to work this out or find a way to deal with it. This is not how we’ll get through this. It feels like everyone’s falling apart or at the very least choosing sides and that’s not what we do. It’s always been us against them- them usually being the Ann Starks and Mary Marsh’s of the world. We all have our moments where we step on each others toes and have hurt feelings or get generally pissed off, but it goes away and we get on with what we do. That thing with me and Toby a few months ago over the leadership breakfast…that’s just one example. He undermined me with Ann Stark , and he paid for it by getting played . What’s more he knew that I knew he had been played. I didn’t need to rub his nose in it- the knowledge that I had been right all along and he had been wrong was far worse than any punishment I could have exacted on him and he knew it. Toby and I have known each other just long enough to know how much crap we can get away with each other.  I don’t know how we’ll get out of this, but I hope it won’t totally screw up what Toby and I have managed to build. We’re friends and when these days of nonsense and upheaval end I want that to still be there.</div> <div>   I don’t know how things will turn out between Sam and I. For some reason we’ve been going out of our way to piss each other off lately. Actually- if I was to be brutally honest, I’ve been a proper bitch with him lately and he’s been coming back at me lick for lick. That’s quite unusual for Sam. Maybe he knows deep down that I need somebody to be a bitch at, that I need to vent all this garbage that’s been building up in me. Or maybe he’s just managed a way to be okay with all of this and he’s annoyed that I haven’t. I guess that’s another thing I’ll have to work out before this is all over.</div> <div>   The funny thing is , I came here to get away from all this and damned if it didn’t follow me. I might as well get used to that, because this is going to be following all of us around for some time to come. I came to this realization just as I heard my phone ring and my beeper go off at the same time. They were both in my bag by the door where I had left them. For a moment I had an overwhelming urge to just sit there and ignore the strident ringing and beeping that was demanding my attention. I couldn’t though and I knew it. So I took one last sip of my wine and walked over to the door. I picked up my beeper in one hand and my cell phone in the other. Checking the numbers I saw that both numbers were Josh’s. What now? </div> <div>    " Yeah, it’s me. What’s up?"</div> <bR> <bR> <div> *********************************************************************************</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div>    ~The Meeting~</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> 8:45 pm</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> " You heard?" Sam said quietly, standing in the doorway of his office as CJ passed him.</div> <div> Turning and taking a shuddering breath she nodded, "Yeah. Josh called." </div> <div>  Sam stood there and  shook his head, a bitter and sad smile on his face, " Once the house of cards starts to fall…" </div> <div>   " Sam…" CJ started, but was unable to go on. She wanted to say something to get that look off his face- but she couldn’t think of anything. It didn’t matter anyway- she wouldn’t have been able to speak past the lump in her throat.</div> <div>   " CJ- It’s not…you can’t…never mind." He looked away from her and turned to go back into his office.</div> <div>   " Sam!" She called out, a little louder than she’d intended.</div> <div>   " Yeah?" He turned back to face her, his weary and sad expression mirroring his own. </div> <div>   " Now’s not the time to give up." CJ stated firmly.</div> <div>   " If not now- when? Do you have any idea how this is going to affect him?"</div> <div>   " No and neither do you. We go on. We come together. We do what has to be done. That’s what we do - at least we did before all of this." </div> <div>    " I know and we need that again. I’m sorry that I never fully appreciated your position in all of this." Sam said softly.</div> <div>   " Don’t worry about it. ..I’m just saying that we came here with a clear purpose and regardless of everything else we need to remember what we came here to do. We need to remember that and stop waiting for the sky to fall." CJ said emphatically and even as she said the words she could feel the weariness she felt earlier turn into determination. It was a grim determination- but it was determination.</div> <div>   " You’re right- It’s just hard not to feel a little fatalistic right now." </div> <div>   " I know, but we can’t afford to think like that-especially not now." CJ reminded him gently. Sam took a deep breath and nodded. </div> <div>   Josh came upon the two of them and both CJ and Sam thought to themselves that they had seen him worse- but not much worse. He spared CJ a quick look and asked her if she was okay. She replied in the affirmative and she noticed Josh’s acceptance of the lie. None of them were alright, but they were there, they were standing and they were together. For right now it was enough. CJ turned to Josh again and asked, " Are we still doing the thing at nine?"</div> <div>   " As far as I know. Things are pretty intense in there." Josh replied, gesturing towards the Oval Office.</div> <div>   " I can imagine. How is he?" Sam asked. </div> <div>   " Leo’s with him. Mrs. Bartlet’s  with him. He’s handling it as well as he can." Josh replied, raking his hand through his hair. </div> <div>   " Do you think we’re going to be able to have a coherent discussion about this tonight? I mean in the face of this…" Sam asked.</div> <div>    " He’ll do it." Toby said coming up behind them, looking haggard, but resolute. " He knows that it can’t be delayed and we need the time we’re going to need before everything comes out. He’ll do it." </div> <div>    " Are you sure of that? " Josh asked.</div> <div>    " Yes." </div> <div>    " Okay- I’m going to go back to my office. Oh, Donna told me she had a couple of couches and stuff moved into the office next to the one downstairs. I just figured I’d let you all know since this is probably going to be an even longer night than  we thought." Josh said as he walked away.  Sam looked at Toby. </div> <div>   " Donna knows?" </div> <div>    " Yeah." Toby answered.</div> <div>   " How was she? " CJ asked.</div> <div>    " She was good . She was better than we’ve been. She was a hell of a lot better than I was." Toby admitted.</div> <div>   " Are you sure she understands the full import of…" CJ began.</div> <div>   " She understands." Toby replied, anticipating where she was going. </div> <div>    A slight smile curved the corners of her mouth, and almost rueful smile and she nodded, " Okay then. Let me know when we’re ready to meet." She said and walked to her office.</div> <bR> <bR> <div>   Sam walked into his office and sat down while Toby lingered in the doorway. </div> <div>   " Do you honestly think he’ll be able to do it." </div> <div>    " Yes Sam, I honestly do."</div> <div>    " Why?" Sam asked, somewhat exasperated.</div> <div>    " Because he’s tougher than he looks." Toby observed simply. </div> <div>     "Let’s hope the American public agrees with you." Sam replied.</div> <div>     "Yeah." Toby said , moving away from the door and going to his office.</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div>   Josh walked into his office and in the subdued light almost didn’t see Donna curled up in the chair by the corner. </div> <div>   " Donna…I thought I told you to go home."</div> <div>   " You said I could go home." Donna stated quietly.</div> <div>   " Donna…I really can’t do verbal gymnastics right now." Josh replied wearily.</div> <div>   " Josh…I really would rather be here." Donna said, her voice husky with emotion. She’d been sitting there in the semi- dark thinking about everything she had come to know in the last few hours and the only thing that she kept coming back around to is that she needed to be where she was needed. They all needed each other right now. Just like that night that Josh and the President were shot. Just a year ago. God, would she ever be able to see May roll around again without experiencing fear of what would happen this time. She felt Josh’s eyes on her and looked away from her own inner turmoil to meet his gaze.</div> <div>   " Are you sure?" </div> <div>   " Yes. I need to be here and you need me here. You have the meeting and there might be other things…" Donna said trailing off, not wanting to  mention Mrs. Landingham. She didn’t have to. Josh knew. It was one of the reasons that they worked so well together. It was the main reason that it was so important that she knew about the president’s situation. They said too many things to each other without speaking a word.</div> <div>   " Okay." Josh agreed , giving her a small smile and a touch on the shoulder that communicated his thanks.</div> <div>   " I didn’t think…Are you still having the meeting?" </div> <div>   " As far as I know. Toby thinks we will." Josh answered wearily. Toby thought the president was strong enough to deal with it, and he was probably right. He hoped he was strong enough to deal with what was coming. Donna got up from the chair and pulled Josh into a hug. They both hung on there for a moment, giving to and drawing strength from each other. It was all they could do for now.</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div>    The Residence- 9:20 pm</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> They all filed in slowly. Josh, Toby, Sam and CJ joined Leo who had already been there with the President and the First Lady for some time. Leo told them when he had called them in that the president had made his decision. He wanted to tell them all together. No, Leo didn’t know what his decision was- just that he’d made one. </div> <div>   The President walked in after a few moments of them sitting there in silence and they all immediately stood  in an automatic show of respect- for both the man and the office. </div> <div>   " Everyone sit - please." He said as he made his way wearily over to the sofa and sat facing his staff- his friends.</div> <div>   " I’m going to make this as brief as possible." He took a breath and looked at each of them, individually and as a whole. " I’m going to say here and now that I wished I had taken you all into my confidence at the beginning. That’s a mistake we’ll all be living with for some time to come. I want to thank you all for being here and staying here. I know what we have coming isn’t what you signed on for…Nevertheless we got here with the intention of doing good and I’d like to finish that job- for as long as the American people will allow me to. I won’t be able to do that without the five of you. So- what I’m asking is, are you with me?"</div> <div>   The president saw them all meet each others gaze, checking for confirmation. Each one in turn looked back to him and he could feel they had come to a consensus. For the briefest of moments it was if each one was expecting the other one to speak for them all. Finally Toby spoke, " We’re with you, Mr. President."  They all nodded and murmured their agreement . The president exchanged a long look with Toby. Toby, who had been the most vehemently disappointed at what had been kept from him- from them all. Toby saw what he was thinking and acknowledged it , but they both knew the time to bemoan what was done had passed- it was time to move on. As he looked at the faces of all the others , he knew they shared his sentiment. </div> <div>   " Okay- good. I’m glad. You’re all important to me. Never doubt that." He stood them and shook each of their hands in turn. " Now I’m going to suggest that you all get some rest. We’re in for a hell of a fight. Goodnight everyone." </div> <div>   " Good night, Mr. President." They all responded and turning one last time to each other they knew that in the midst of everything awful they had once again joined together to do the right thing and once again the fight- no matter how hard- was worth it. </div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>