Smiles, Tears, & Happy Endings | home
The Incredibly Campy Road Trip From Hell
By Brandy
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" Josh…Josh?… Josh!" Donna finally exclaimed as she looked back and forth between the map and the road signs.
" What?!" Josh replied as he squinted at the dark, very wet road ahead. He could barely see ten feet in front of him as it was, and he wasn’t in the mood, nor was he quite up to arguing with Donna and driving at the same time. The badly lit road and the driving rain made the situation bad enough, he didn’t need the added distraction of verbal sparring with his assistant and her mouth full of wise-ass.
" We’re on the wrong road."
" We are not," Josh replied vehemently. He wasn’t, after all, Sam, for goodness sake! He could navigate the roadways without getting himself hopelessly lost. He was, in fact, an outdoorsman. An explorer even. Okay, maybe not an explorer, but he could get himself from one place to another on a marked road without assistance.
" I beg to differ, Joshua. We should have turned right at that last exit, but instead you turned left."
" No way."
" Way…. And you know what else?"
" What?"
" When you took that turn back there…"
" Yes?!" Josh asked with growing impatience.
" We should have gone straight," Donna remarked with a slightly smug and superior look on her face.
" I don’t believe you."
" You don’t have to believe me. It’s all right here on the map."
" Okay- well, I think the map could be wrong."
" Sure, Josh. That’s what it is- the map is wrong, and the mighty outdoorsman with his superior inner compass is right," Donna replied, in a voice that was absolutely dripping with sarcasm.
" Well, if we are on the wrong road- which I’m still not convinced of- then it’s not my fault. It’s yours," Josh declared with his own superior look and an accusatory glint in his eyes.
" How is it my fault?"
" You have the map."
" Very true, Captain Blame-Shifter-but, I also must point out that I told you to turn right at the exit, and you, in your questionable wisdom, chose to ignore me and turn left."
" And you wait until *now* to tell me?" Josh all but screeched.
" I was making sure I was right, and then I was looking for a way to get back to where we needed to be… and you were ignoring me," Donna replied, her voice rising in volume with each word.
Josh looked at Donna for a minute, briefly taking his eyes off the road, and noticed she was getting pissed. After a second or two of reflection, he decided that maybe it wasn’t all her fault, and there was a small possibility that he may have ignored her directions. With a resigned, yet grudging sigh, he decided to move past the blame part and get to the part where they fixed it.
" Okay… so how do we get back to where we need to be?"
" Well, that’s the thing…"
"What?" Josh asked, trying, but not really succeeding in keeping the impatience out of his voice.
" I’m not sure. I think you took some other road when I was looking at the map, because none of this looks familiar… I mean, I don’t see it on the map." Donna replied with a slight grimace.
" Donna," Josh started, in the most patient, reasonable tone he could muster, " That’s impossible. It’s a road- it has to be on the map."
" That’s certainly a reasonable assumption- but once again, sad to say, an incorrect one. This road, while it may be on some map, is not on this map. Like it or not, we are officially lost."
" We are not lost," Josh declared, a little more vehemently than was absolutely necessary.
" We’re just…not exactly in tune with our surroundings," he finished, feeling a little dumb, even as he said it.
" If, by that, you mean we’re lost, then I have to agree with you."
" Stop saying that. We’re not lost- we’re just… misdirected. I’ll get us back to the right road, and we will once again be going in the proper direction."
At this point, Donna turned to look closely at Josh, and with wide-eyed amusement she declared, " Oh my gosh! You’re one of those, aren’t you?! You are!" she declared, clapping her hand over her mouth to muffle her laughter.
" And what would ‘one of those’ be, Donna?" he asked impatiently.
" One of those men that can’t admit when they’re lost. They won’t consult maps, or stop for directions, because they think it diminishes their manhood or something. And here I was thinking I knew all your weird little ‘Josh-quirks’," she said, shaking her head in amused wonder.
Josh darted an exasperated glance in Donna’s direction, and said, " Okay- first of all, I know how to ask for help. I asked you, didn’t I?"
" Yeah- but that doesn’t count. I know far more embarrassing things about you than your apparent inability to follow road signs."
" Do you see it as part of your job to ridicule me?" he asked.
" No- just one of the perks," she replied, with a satisfied little smile.
" Smart-ass." Josh grumbled as he squinted even harder at the road in front of him. Darting another sideways glance at Donna, he noticed that his last comment did little to diminish her good humor.
"And just for the record- there’s nothing wrong with my ‘manhood’. There’s no feeling of being ‘diminished’ here, Miss Smart-mouth."
" Okay. I’ll just take your word for that, Josh- since I don’t have any independent evidence of my own to argue otherwise," Donna replied with cheeky amusement.
A few minutes later, they both heard a distinct ‘pop’ then a sickening flapping noise, which was quickly followed by Josh having increased difficulty steering the car.
" Sonofabitch!" Josh swore as he decreased speed and slowly, and with difficulty, pulled over to the shoulder of the dark and rainy road.
They sat on the side of the road for a moment, neither saying a word, until finally, Josh hit the trunk release and with a heaving sigh, opened his door to go see about fixing their flat tire.
Donna sat where she was, debating whether or not to follow Josh and lend a hand, or wait for the eventual bellow for assistance. After a few minutes of hearing nothing more than the sounds of Josh rummaging around in the trunk in an increasingly noisy fashion, she finally heard the sound of his not so dulcet tones.
" SON OF A BITCH!!!" Josh yelled, loud enough to make Donna jump, and followed it by slamming the trunk shut.
After a few minutes of muffled cursing, and something that sounded suspiciously like their rental car receiving a good swift kick, a dripping wet and extremely annoyed Josh got back in the car. Donna, regarding him with some alarm, was about to ask him what happened when he finally spoke.
" It’s official. This is the trip from hell. I am, most assuredly, in hell."
" What happened? I thought you were going to fix the tire…"
" Yes. I was. There’s only one problem with that…" Josh replied in a odd, and slightly strained voice.
" What?" Donna asked with hesitation, having an idea, but not really wanting it confirmed.
" There’s no spare. None. Can you believe that?!"
" Actually… yes. So what do we do now?"
" How should I know?! All I know is that we are stranded on some unidentified road in some uncharted part of the wilds of north-western Virginia. I’ve just spent the last ten minutes in the pouring rain in an insanely fruitless attempt to repair a tire that decided to disintegrate in the middle of nowhere, and I’ll probably end up getting pneumonia and die."
" Thanks, Mr. Happy-Thoughts. I gotta’ say- your positive attitude is making this whole situation so much easier to bear," Donna observed, once again bringing the sarcasm.
" Fine- besides a mouth full of wise-ass, do you have anything positive to interject into this situation?" Josh asked, a challenging tone to his voice.
" Well…."
" Yes? You have something? I can’t wait to hear it…" Josh prompted.
" Look up the road. On the other side of that tree line…do you see that?"
" What? Where?" Josh asked, squinting as he peered through the rain soaked night to see what Donna was referring to.
Donna leaned over, practically putting herself in Josh’s lap, to direct his gaze. Pointing in the specific direction, she turned to face Josh and found that they were almost nose to nose.
" Right there. See… those blinking lights. It looks like a neon sign. Maybe it’s a service station… or a motel even. Surely they have a pay phone…"
At the mention of the word ‘phone’, Josh shot Donna a look.
" Is that another dig about the battery in my cell phone going dead. I told you- I charged the damn thing before we left…"
In response, Donna rolled her eyes and said with exaggerated patience, " No, Josh. There was no dig. I was just pointing out that I may have discovered some island of civilization and that they may, in fact, have a phone."
Josh regarded her for a second longer, and decided that he may have jumped to conclusions. Not to mention, he would endure a dig or two if it would get him someplace other than this stupid rental car.
" Okay… well, I propose that we go for it. Any port in a storm, and all that. It doesn’t look too far. We should be able to walk that in- what- fifteen, twenty minutes?" Josh asked.
" I guess. One thing, though…"
" What?"
" I’m not carrying your stuff."
" But- you always carry my stuff!"
" And I’m not going to take advantage of this opportunity to point out just how wrong that is- despite an overwhelming urge to do just that," Donna replied with a pointed look at Josh.
" But I went out to change the flat and now I’m soaking wet. I may be coming down with some dire illness as we speak!" Josh pointed out in a voice just short of whining, in a last ditch effort to get his way. It's not that he was unable to carry his own stuff, but this was part of the little game they played. He complained and she trotted out the funny little quips.
" I’m sure you’ll soldier through. What‘s a little rain to an outdoorsman?" Donna pointed out with a grin.
With a sigh of defeat, Josh opened his car door, and just as he was moving to get out, he turned back to Donna and said, " You’re kind of mean- you know that?"
" Crisis rules, Josh. Every woman- and man for themselves." She replied, with a defiant tilt of her chin and the trace of a smile on her lips, as she opened her door and reaching behind her, grabbed her bag. Josh retrieved his from the back seat and after making sure the flashers were on, he locked the car. As they were about to set off on their trek to civilization he noticed the large umbrella Donna was holding over her head. Josh couldn’t help but notice what an efficient job it was doing of keeping her dry. Noticing the covetous glances Josh was sending in the direction of her- and most especially her umbrella, Donna sighed heartily and pulled him closer so that he had the protection of it as well.
Noticing the grateful smile he gave her, Donna smiled in return, then said, " Don’t think I’m going soft, Josh. No matter how pitiful you look, I’m not carrying your stuff. Remember that."
" Yes, dear…" he responded, in a mock long-suffering voice.
Twenty-five minutes (and much bitching and whining by Josh) later, they arrived at their destination and saw what had originally caught Donna’s attention. The name of the establishment they had arrived at was emblazoned in bright pink and green flashing neon letters above where they stood.
THE HONEYMOON HIDEAWAY MOTEL
Beneath it, in a much less offensive color, and smaller letters was the word ’Vacancies’.
Josh and Donna looked at the pitiful little collection of cabins in front of them, then at each other, and shrugged.
" It can’t be that bad." and " At least it’s dry." came out of Donna and Josh’s mouths respectively and simultaneously. Privately however, they were both thinking much less cheery thoughts.
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Josh and Donna walked across the puddle-filled parking lot until they reached the door marked ‘Office’. Once there, Josh looked at Donna, who looked back at him, pointedly, as if to say ‘What?’. With a put upon, and exaggerated sigh, Josh leaned forward and rang the buzzer next to the door, then elaborated on that by knocking loudly on the door.
While they waited for an answer, Josh leaned towards Donna, and muttered, " I’m telling you right now, if anyone answers that door that even remotely resembles Anthony Perkins, I’m outta’ here and you’re on your own."
Donna rolled her eyes at him and replied, " Gee, Josh, and here I was thinking that chivalry was dead."
Unperturbed by her sarcastic little jibe, Josh shrugged and with a satisfied little smile said, " Hey, you set the rules, remember? I’m just playing along."
" Whatever… Hey, I think I hear someone coming ." Donna remarked, trying to peer through the pebbled glass of the door front.
" It’s about time," Josh grumbled.
" It’s late, Josh. They were probably in bed."
" Or getting rid of the body…" Josh muttered, just as the door opened and an old gentleman in his late sixties stood before them. He had a full head of snowy white hair, a full beard and was sporting red plaid suspenders over his white undershirt. His tan work pants were worn low on his hips to accommodate his generous belly. He regarded his late night visitors with an arched, inquisitive brow.
" Help you folks?" he mumbled past the pipe that was hanging from his mouth.
" Uhhh… yeah, we… your sign says you have vacancies?"
The man looked past them to the blinking neon sign, then back at Josh.
" Yep, that’s what it says."
" Well- good. Uh…we’d like-"
" Not really ‘vacancies’, you understand. I only got the one." the man clarified.
" One?" Josh asked, his voice taking on an incredulous note. " You do a lot of business here?"
" Oh- not normally. But there was a bunch of people on their way to a family reunion, and the weather discouraged them from traveling anymore tonight. They got most of the cabins and one section is closed down for repairs. So, we got the one vacancy- the ‘Honeymoon Deluxe’. You want it?"
Josh looked at Donna, who shrugged, as if to say, ‘It’s better than sleeping in the car.’
" Yeah- we’ll take it."
" Well, come on in out of the rain, and we’ll fix you up," the old gentleman said and turned to walk back to his desk in the office. About halfway there, he turned and looked from Donna to Josh. Giving Josh a hard look, he asked, " You’re married to that young lady, aren’t you?"
Josh, noticing his expression, did some quick thinking- quicker than he thought possible after the day he’d had- and with his most innocent, winning smile answered the man.
" Yes, of course. Why do you ask?"
The man gave Josh another long appraising look and with a little snort, said, " No reason."
Once they had finished signing the register and paying for the room, the old gentleman gave them the key to the cabin and led them back out. Once they reached the door, the man, who had introduced himself ,ironically, as Lloyd Perkins, directed them to the location of the cabin. Then looking around the parking lot, he said, " Where’s your car? I know you folks didn’t walk here."
" Well, sort of. Our car got a flat about a mile up the road, and we didn’t have a spare… Is there a garage around here, or a tow place that could come get it."
" Yeah- Duke’s place is about five miles up the road. I can call him in the morning for you, if you want."
" Thanks. We’d appreciate that. Oh yeah… is there somewhere we can get something to eat, or better yet, get something delivered." Josh asked.
" Nope. I could maybe ask the wife to make some sandwiches or something for you." he offered.
Noticing that Josh was about to start grumbling again about how bad their luck was, Donna jumped in.
" That would be very nice, Mr. Perkins. Please thank your wife for us," she replied with a gracious smile.
" Not at all, Mrs. Lyman. Can’t have a little-bitty thing like you going hungry, now can we? One of us will bring it over to you folks in a bit. Enjoy your evening then," the man said in parting and went back inside with a parting wave.
As soon as the man was inside, Donna turned to Josh, and asked, " Why did you lie to that nice old man and tell him we were married?"
" Did you see the look that ‘nice old man’ was giving me? You’d think I was some dirty old man out to deflower his daughter. Besides, I have a feeling if I’d said ’no’, we’d be making that long walk back down the road and end up sleeping in the car."
" One of us would, anyway," Donna observed with a wicked grin.
" And you would have let old Lloyd there send me packing, huh? Nice, Donna- real nice."
" Aw, come on, Josh- I would have snuck you back in. Just like a good pretend wife," Donna said, laughing as she nudged him good-naturedly.
" Well thank God we don’t have to worry about that. After the way this trip has gone, I can only imagine what would happen if we had to resort to covert maneuvers."
" Hey- I can be very stealthy….of course, you, on the other hand…" she trailed off, letting him draw his own conclusions about what she was going to say.
" Funny girl…"
They finally arrived at the doorstep of the ‘deluxe honeymoon’ cabin, and let themselves in.
They both stood there, in the doorway, for the longest time. Possibly to allow their eyes time to adjust to the absolute riot of colors in the room. The king size bed was covered in a glaring spread of shocking pink, lime green and pale yellow. The carpet was a slightly less revolting shade of pink, and the walls were painted in the same pale yellow as on the bedspread. The lamps on the bedside table looked like miniature palm trees.
They took a couple of hesitant steps inside the room, and after they dropped their bags on the floor, turned to look at each other.
" It’s….cheery…I guess." Donna observed, finally managing to speak.
" I’d say I was having an acid flashback, but I never did any… so, I guess I’m actually seeing this."
This time, when Donna looked at the expression on Josh’s face, she couldn’t help but laugh.
" Come on, Josh. It’s warm, it’s dry and looks reasonably clean." she said, as she shut the door behind them and pulled off her jacket.
" Yeah.. I guess. I’m claiming the shower, first."
" Chivalry strikes again," Donna pointed out, rolling her eyes.
" I’m all wet."
" That’s a fact… go ahead and take your shower Deputy Grumpy, I’m going to go back to the office and see about getting us that food they promised- maybe save those nice old people the walk over here in the rain."
" Yeah- that sounds like a good idea, and I’ll save some hot water for you, okay?"
" You better…" Donna said, as she put her jacket back on, but she tempered her unspoken warning with a smile.
Josh threw his hands up in mock surrender, and chuckling replied, " I promise, I promise."
Donna left the cottage thinking that even when everything went wrong, even when Josh was being his usual quirky self, they almost always seemed to find a way to have a good time.
While Donna was out getting their food, Josh got out of his wet suit and grabbing a t-shirt and flannel boxers from his bag, he walked into the bathroom to take his shower. He noted, with relief, that the bathroom was good, old generic white. He didn’t think his poor tired eyes could take anymore technicolor decorating themes. There was a huge claw foot tub with a shower curtain rigged around it, and as he stepped into the tub, he thought how much Donna would enjoy the idea of soaking in that big, deep tub. She was always complaining that her tub wasn’t long enough or deep enough for a really satisfying soak. Of course, thinking of Donna luxuriating in a bubble-filled tub led to mental images of Donna luxuriating in a bubble filled tub…with the bubbles rapidly dissolving to reveal her long supple limbs and… Okay, he needed to stop thinking about a naked Donna in a tub with no bubbles to cover her. Either that, or he would end up doing something in the shower that he hadn’t done in a really long time. On second thought, maybe he should make the water just a little colder…
Donna returned to the cabin just as Josh was emerging from the shower. She was relieved that the earlier downpour had decreased to nothing more than annoying drizzle, since she had left her umbrella in the cottage. Not that she had a free hand to hold it. It seemed that Lloyd’s wife had taken one look at Donna and decided that she needed fattening up. So, she was returning to the room she was sharing with Josh laden down with a tray of assorted sandwiches, some fruit, a thermos of coffee, two generous slices of chocolate cake, and a bottle of champagne, one that Mrs. Perkins explained was complimentary with the ‘deluxe honeymoon cabin’. When Donna tried to explain to the nice old lady that it ‘wasn’t that kind of an evening’, the woman just winked and said, " You never know what might happen under the right circumstances." With a resigned sigh and a smile, Donna took the offered bottle, and thanking the woman again, she returned to the cabin.
Josh looked up from drying his hair as Donna walked in the door, and his eyes lit up at the feast she had brought back with her.
" Wow! Now that’s what I call service. How many people did she think you were sharing this place with anyway?"
" Oh, she knows it’s just the two of us. I think she’s under the impression that I’m too skinny."
" Well, that’s not true." Josh commented as he grabbed a sandwich from the tray.
" What does that mean? Are you saying I’m the opposite of skinny? Are you trying to say I need to lose weight or something?" Donna asked.
" No… not at all… What I mean is, you‘re… just right," he replied, with a quick smile.
Donna couldn’t help but smile at his answer. It wasn’t so much what he had said, as the look on his face, and the tender smile he had given her when he said it. Thinking that, once again, her mind was wandering off in a direction that maybe it shouldn’t go, she took refuge in humor.
" You better be careful with those compliments, Josh, or I’ll begin to think that Mrs. Perkins wasn’t totally off base when she gave me this," Donna said, holding up the bottle of champagne.
" Hey- where’d that come from?"
" It’s complimentary with our ‘deluxe’ accommodations," Donna replied with a little grin.
" Cool. Stick it in that ice bucket and we’ll have some later."
" Are you kidding me?" Donna asked.
" No way- after the day we’ve had, I say we deserve to have a drink to… I don’t know- still being alive and dry."
" Okay." Donna said with a shrug, doing as Josh asked. She picked out a sandwich for herself and kicking off her shoes, she stretched out across the end of the bed.
" And don’t start in again with all that crap about my so-called ‘sensitive system’. I can drink with the best of them."
" If ‘the best of them’ is a bunch of pre-schoolers, then I’ll have to agree." Donna quipped around a mouthful of sandwich.
" Don’t start in with me, Bambi. I know stories about you too," Josh warned, as he stretched out on the bed alongside Donna.
" Yes- but mine are better."
" Well… I…. have nothing to say to that. I… nothing’s there." Josh said, looking a bit perplexed.
" Don’t worry. You’ve had a long day… you’ll snap back." she replied, and Josh couldn’t help but hear the slightly mocking tone, and the amusement she seemed to be getting from teasing him.
" You know- I’m seeing a very disturbing side of you on this trip. You’re kind of wicked, you know that?"
" It’s my ’tough love’ side," She replied, mischief brimming in her eyes.
" Uh-oh- you didn’t bring your ’equipment, did you? Should I be afraid?" Josh asked, enjoying playing along with their old joke.
" Hmmm… I think so. I think you better be very careful, because if I have to break out my equipment- well, I may not be able to control myself," Donna replied, her voice taking on a dangerous, yet sultry tone.
Josh just looked at her for the longest time, and felt his mouth go dry and his palms start to sweat, as their silly, yet slightly naughty banter reminded him of all those mental images he had tried so hard to erase under the cold water of his shower. Deciding he needed to change the conversational course, or rush off for another cold shower, he seized on something he had noticed when he came out of the shower.
" Well, you better watch out, Donnatella- because this room has built in equipment of it’s own."
" Really? Do tell?" Donna asked with an arched brow and a grin.
" Yep… check this out."
Josh sat up and reaching next to the bedside table, he hit a button and the bed started to shake. Josh sat there, kneeling over the still reclined Donna, watching as her reaction changed from surprise to laughter.
" No way!"
" Yep- an actual vibrating bed. How cool is that?" Josh replied laughing.
" What - is this place stuck in some campy- tacky time warp. I didn’t think they even had these things anymore," Donna said between her increasing laughter, as she rolled back onto her back, clutching her sides.
" I don’t think they do anymore. Cool, huh?"
Just as Josh asked that question the bed, which had been vibrating, began to shake, and then it began to do something a little more intense than shake. This resulted in Josh being pitched forward, to land directly across Donna’s prone form. Then, with a great heaving shudder, the bed ceased to move anymore. Of course, neither did Josh and Donna.
They both lay there, nose to nose, toe to toe…hip to hip, and Donna wasn’t laughing anymore. She was noticing the look in Josh’s eyes and the way her heart was beating and the feeling that even though there wasn’t so much as a sliver of daylight between them, she wanted to be closer to Josh. She needed to be closer to Josh.
Josh was watching Donna’s eyes and all the questions that were being silently asked and answered, until finally, deciding to throw caution to the wind, he leaned in just a little closer, and brushed his lips across hers. Tentatively at first, then bolder, until he felt her not only return the action , but encourage more.
When he finally pulled his mouth away from hers, he said, " This trip may turn out better than I thought."
" Funny-I was thinking the same thing," Donna replied, a little breathlessly.
" We’re warm and dry," Josh pointed out.
" And we have food… and champagne, even," Donna added.
" We got to experience a vibrating bed. Don’t forget about that," Josh observed, as he brushed the hair away from Donna’s face and follow that action with a kiss.
" I don’t think I’ll forget that anytime soon."
" You know what else?"
" What?"
" There’s a great big, deep, long claw foot tub in that bathroom."
" I love soaking in big ,deep tubs," Donna said somewhat breathlessly.
" I know. In fact, I was thinking about that when I took my shower." Josh replied, with just a hint of a blush to his cheeks.
" You were, huh?"
" Oh yeah. You, in that great big tub…lots of bubbles… then not so many bubbles."
" Hmmmm….Yeah, I like bubble baths. There’s only one thing though…"
" What’s that?"
" I like to soak for a quite a while, and sometimes it gets a little lonely…"
" Well… maybe I can help you out with that. Keep you company, maybe?"
" That could be fun… Yeah, I think I’d really like that."
At that, Josh got up and pulled Donna up with him.
" Well, then- come on. You start the bath and I’ll get the champagne," Josh said.
" Oh, goody! A *champagne* bubble-bath! That’s even better."
Grabbing the bottle from the ice bucket, Josh followed Donna into the bathroom, and mostly to himself said, " Oh, yeah… much, much better."
The End…
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