Small Mistakes

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" width=200 BGCOLOR="#003399" TEXT="#080000" background="03fc8c00erkjxk.jpg"> <div> <B>Donna's POV from "On The Day Before"</B></div> </td> <td valign="top" BGCOLOR="#0066CC" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#99CCFF" FACE="Arial" ><B>Smiles, Tears, & Happy Endings</B></FONT><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FFFF99" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#CC0000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>  |     <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Smiles, Tears, Happy Endings"><U>home</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id18.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Brandys Stories"><U>Brandy's Stories</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id24.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Other Side"><U>The Other Side</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id25.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Getaway"><U>Getaway</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id32.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Deserved Recognition"><U>Deserved Recognition</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id33.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The End of These Days"><U>The End of These Days</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id34.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Moving On"><U>Moving On</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id35.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Lessons Learned Shared"><U>Lessons- Learned & Shared</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id43.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="So, I Had This Dream..."><U>So, I Had This Dream...</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id214.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Perfect Plan"><U>The Perfect Plan</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id215.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Incredibly Campy Road Trip From Hell"><U>The Incredibly Campy Road Trip From Hell</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id216.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="A Whole New Story"><U>A Whole New Story</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id217.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="What Are Friends For? 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Everyone. Nobody I’ve ever met can claim to be perfect. Okay, they can claim it, but that doesn’t make it true. Even the people I work with. People who are incredibly smart, well-educated, and savvy ,who have been involved in the game of politics for a lot longer than I have, have made mistakes. Let’s review, shall we? Josh goes on nationwide television, and with one caustic quip infuriates a large majority of the Christian right. Sam *accidentally* sleeps with a call girl, then tells a perfect stranger (who, by the way, happens to be the boss’s daughter) about it. Later, he even managed to get his picture in the paper with said call girl. Leo had to go in front of the press and admit his past mistakes of drug abuse and alcoholism. Toby got played by a Republican shark who batted her eyes prettily at him, and undermined CJ in the process. The President lied about a debilitating disease, and now we all have to face repercussions from that. But they are allowed their mistakes. I go on one innocent date and you would think I was smuggling state secrets to the enemy camp. Okay, it was actually two dates- if you could call the last one a date. We met. We talked. I was discreet, even though I didn’t feel like I was doing anything wrong. Ill-advised? Yes, maybe…but wrong? No, I don’t believe it was wrong.</div> <div>   So, here I sit, in my apartment, telling my tale of woe to my absent roommate’s cat. I’m doing this to prepare myself for the phone call I’m about to make. I’m going to call Josh. I’m going to track him down and I’m going to make him listen to me. I’m going to do this because we can’t leave things like they were when I left tonight. He dismissed me. It wasn’t the words he used, because he’d said the very same words moments before I told him about the date with Cliff. It was the tone…and that hurt, betrayed and disappointed look in his eyes as he very quietly dismissed me. It was all about the things left unspoken between us. They can’t stay unspoken. That time has passed. It’s time for some plain speaking. </div> <div>   Taking a deep breath, I pick up the phone laying beside me and dial his office number. The ringing continues for some time, and I finally decide to hang up. If he’s in his office, he’s avoiding the phone. Deciding to try the one number I know he won’t ignore, I dial his cell. It rings for a little while , but he finally answers.</div> <div>   " Josh Lyman."  </div> <div>  " Josh…it’s me." </div> <div> "  Yeah…what do you need, Donna?" I could feel the tension in his voice as he spoke, and the utter desire to conclude the call as quickly as possible.</div> <div>  " We need to talk." </div> <div>  " Why?" </div> <div>  " You know why."</div> <div>  " Well I’ve learned lately that there is no end to the things I don’t know. Why don’t you explain it to me? On second thought, how about we just pass on that part, cause I can’t think of any way you can make me understand this." I was stinging from the caustic sarcasm that laced his words.</div> <div>   " I went on a date, Josh." </div> <div>   Although I said the words very quietly-inside my head, I was screaming them. My level of frustration at his inability, or unwillingness, to understand  the underlying problem was increasing by the second.</div> <div>   "Yeah."</div> <div>   " Yeah. I went on a date, with someone, who regardless of their political affiliation, is not the devil. I didn’t whisper state secrets to him over drinks. I didn’t let him turn me over to the dark side. We had drinks and conversation, and …"</div> <div>   " What else?" </div> <div>  " I beg your pardon?" I asked, unable to kept the incredulity out of my voice.</div> <div>  " You heard me - what else?"</div> <div>   " I can’t believe you just asked me that. In the first place it’s none of your business, and in the second place…I can’t believe you asked me that! What on earth makes you think that you have the right to ask me a question like that?" </div> <div>   " What are you getting defensive about? If you didn’t do anything wrong-" </div> <div>  " Wrong? Meaning that if I had slept with him that it would be wrong? According to whose rules, Josh?"</div> <div>  " According to…what difference does it make? The fact remains that it’s wrong." </div> <div>   He was yelling now, and it was taking every ounce of self control I had not to slam the phone down. I had wanted this to go so differently. I had wanted to calmly explain the way things had happened. I also wanted something from him. I wanted to understand the reaction he had when I told him about the date with Cliff. I wanted him to help me understand the look in his eyes when I told him. I could see that wasn’t going to happen. I took a deep breath and spoke to him with a calm I really didn’t feel.</div> <div>   " Josh, I admit that my seeing Cliff wasn’t the smartest thing in the world, given our present circumstances, but it doesn’t even begin to qualify as wrong.  I had no idea that Oversight was taking over the investigation when I saw him. I’m a single woman. I go out on dates. At least I do when I can manage to escape from work long enough to have anything resembling a social life. What exactly is the nature of your problem? Is it that I went out on a date with Cliff, or is it that I went out with anyone?" </div> <div>   " Don’t be ridiculous! You’re trying to make excuses for what you did-"</div> <div>   " I’m not being ridiculous, Josh…but I can see this conversation is pointless. I’ve said I’m sorry for the inadvertent problems this might cause, but you don’t want to hear that. You want to have your way about things and in some part of your mind you’ve decided that I’ve betrayed you in some way. Maybe I have- but it certainly wasn’t intentional. You need to remember that. You also need to remember that you’ve said things in the past that I’ve forgiven you for, and with a lot less effort on your part. Goodnight, Josh." </div> <div>   I heard him call out my name as I was about to hang up, but I didn’t let it deter me. It wouldn’t do any good to talk to him anymore, and if we continued we might end up saying more things that it would be hard to forget or forgive. I sat there absently petting my roommate’s cat and hoping that he thought about the last things I had said. If nothing else, I was glad I had the chance to say those things to him. Even though I had never made a point of saying it before, Josh had said a lot of things to me in the past that I had forgiven him for. The constant classification of every man I went out with as a ‘gomer’ or loser. The assertion on his part that I didn’t possess any sense of self worth, and that my desire to be coupled  at any cost was a result of my lack of self worth. The unspoken attitude that he had unequivocal rights when it came to determining  what was best for me, personally. Finally, his unwillingness to explain why he felt he had proprietary rights over me. To put it plainly- it was time for him to explain himself in clear terms or back off. Maybe that would happen, maybe not- but we definitely couldn’t go on like this .</div> <bR> <div>    I had finally had enough of  mulling over the problems that Josh and I were stuck in, and decided to seek the escape of a hot bath and a warm bed. I was getting ready to run my bath when the phone rang.</div> <div> It was Josh. </div> <div>   " Hi…look, I’m…can we start over?" Josh asked, and although I could hear the tension in his voice, his anger seemed to have dissipated.</div> <div>   " Start over how?" </div> <div>  " Look, I understand that you didn’t intend to cause a problem by seeing this guy. I know you didn’t intentionally set out to…hurt me", he admitted, and I noticed how difficult it had been for him to say those last two words. It wasn’t exactly an apology , but in ‘Josh-speak’ he was at least admitting that there were feelings involved in his reaction.</div> <div>   " Okay…" </div> <div>   " Yeah… and I… well, I shouldn’t  have asked you that question. You were right- it’s none of my business." </div> <div>   " No. It’s not." </div> <div>   " Okay." </div> <div>   "Josh?" </div> <div>   "Yeah?"</div> <div>   " Do you want to explain to me why you asked in the first place?" </div> <div>   He didn’t say anything for a while, and I could almost see him raking his hands through his hair as he thought of ways to  tap-dance his way out  of answering me. </div> <div>   " I …I just can’t right now." </div> <div>   " Okay."</div> <div>   I paused for a moment, but I think we both knew I wasn’t going to let it lay there.</div> <div>   " Do you think you’ll be able to explain it to me sometime in the future?" </div> <div>   " I hope so", he stated with a deep sigh. </div> <div>   " Fair enough…so, we’re okay?" </div> <div>   " Yeah- I guess", Josh answered, without too much hesitation.</div> <div>   " Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow then?" </div> <div>   " Yeah. Goodnight, Donna." </div> <div>   " Goodnight , Josh." </div> <bR> <div>   I hung up, feeling better than I had since I had told him everything. Things weren’t exactly back to normal, but they were better. Of course, there were no guarantees that they would stay that way. Who knew what tomorrow would bring ? </div> <div>   </div> <div>    </div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>