The Ren & Stimpy Show™: You Eediot!

Stimpy: Oh boy Ren! You'll never believe what I got.
Ren: A record! You eediot!
Stimpy: Yeah, Ren that's exactly what it's called... You Eediot.
Stimpy: Will you come and listen to it with me?
Ren: Go away! Can't you see I'm flossing my toes?
Stimpy: Ohh puhleeze will you listen? Will ya? Will ya? Huuuh?
Ren: Errrgh! All right all right but this better be good.
Stimpy: Joy!!!!

Stinky Wizzleteats
Hello, boys and girls, this is your old pal Stinky Wizzleteats. This is a
song about a whale - no! This is a song about being happy. That's right! It's
the Happy Happy Joy Joy song!

Singers
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy

Stinky Wizzleteats
I don't think you're happy enough. That's right! I'll teach you to be
happy. I'll teach your grandmother to suck eggs.

Singers
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy

Stinky Wizzleteats
If'n you ain't the granddaddy of all liars. The little critters of nature
they don't know that they're ugly. That's very funny! A fly marrying a
bumblebee. I told you I'd shoot! But you didn't believe me. Why didn't
you believe me?

Singers
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Happy Happy
Happy Happy Happy Happy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy

Intro
Watch out man, here comes those Firedogs!

Verse
Ren: Your troubles are over, it is we who are your Firedogs!
Stimpy: Eh, but Ren, I'm a cat!
Ren: Shut up you fool! He's a good man but he's not quite right in the head.
Firechief Well, boys, you got yourselves a job, but you're gonna work!

Chorus
Watch out man, here comes
  them Firedogs
Watch out man, here come
  them Firedogs

Verse
Ren: Relax man. Do you know what the odds are of there ever being a fire?
 A million to one. Aaaaaahhh!!
Stimpy: Oh Joy!!
They're the hottest dogs
  in town
Things cool off when
  they're around
Gonna hose it down tonight
So old man Fire take a hike

Chorus
Watch out man, here comes
  them Firedogs
Watch out man, here come
  them Firedogs

Verse
Lady, save my baby
Save my elephant
Save me, oh my brave little man
Watch out, man here come
  them fire...
Watch out man, here come
  them fire...
Watch out man!!!

Stimpy: I'm so happy I can hardly contain myself.

Stimpy: (tap dancing)
Ren: Stimpy what's all that racket about?
Stimpy:I'm tap dancing Ren. Pretty good, huh?
Ren: It just sounds like noise to me. And you look even more stupid then ususal.
Stimpy: Oh pshaw. Tap dancing is fun Ren. Why don't you join me?
Ren: Ohhh nooo! I'm no eediot.
Stimpy: Come on ... No one will ever see you.
Ren: No way!
Stimpy: Just put on these shoes and move your feet...
Ren: Back off man! I can do it. (tap dancing)
Stimpy: Now, don't you feel better?
Ren: Hey! This is fun! You're right Stimpy. I'm sorry I'm all the time so mean to you.
Stimpy: Think nothing of it buddy!
Ren: Pal! (and into the song....)
Stimpy: It's really great - to have a chum.
Who's kind and caring - and lots
  of fun
He slaps me around when I
  feel blue
Only a pal would do that for you
His name is Ren & when it
   comes to a friend
No one is better
Stimpy: Your turn pal
Ren: O.K. Buddddd... (scream)
You eediot, if you're going to tap dance do it on your own two feet.
Stimpy: Whoops.
Ren: He's really fat - but I admit
He's not so dumb - for an eediot
I hate the smell of his litter box
And when he fills with glue my
  stay-put socks
He's lost his mind, but when
  I'm in a bind
He's better than no one!
Ren: Would you comb my hair?
Stimpy: With glee!
Ren: Would you polish my toes?
Stimpy: For free!
Ren: Would you shave my tongue?
Stimpy: Whoopee!
Ren & Stimpy: You're the friend for me!
Ren: My friend to the end -
  which I hope is soon
Has a head full of air - like a
  red ballon
Stimpy: A ballon head, wow! -
  what a great thing to be.
Your always say the nicest thing to me.
Ren: You're a fool
Stimpy: But I think your cool
No one is better!
Stimpy: Would you tell me a story?
Ren: No way!
Stimpy: Would you pick my nose?
Ren: For pay!
Stimpy: Would you scratch my back?
Ren: No!
Stimpy: Pluck my brows?
Ren: Erghhhh!
Stimpy: Lick my fur?
Ren: Arright Stimpy! That's it!
I've had enough of your stupid questions! The answer is no!
No, I tell you. A thousand times nooooooo!
Stimpy: Oh, just asking!
Ren: We're opposites by nature
Stimpy: He's a dog, and I'm a cat - I think
Ren: But put us both together
Stimpy: And we're a perfect match
I'm glad he's here to tell me
   what to do
Ren: Somebody's got to think for you
You may be a dud, but when I need a bud
You're better than no one!
Stimpy: No on is better!
Ren: You're better than...
Stimpy: No one is...
Ren: Better than...
Stimpy: No one...
Ren & Stimpy: No one - is better.

If you look under chair
Or in your sister's hair
I tell y'all better beware
At what you're gonna
   find in there
Refrain & Chorus:
We's a half inch tall & green
Short sticky & mean
We can make your teacher
  scream
'Cause we're the ugliest gang
  that you ever did see
Noooose goblins
(We're the nose)
Noooose goblins
(Nose goblins)
People say we're gross
'Cause we were born inside
  your nose
But it was crowded back
  in there
We had to share with a
  nostril hair
(repeat refrain & chorus)

Ren: Captain's log. Cadet Stimpy and I have been stranded on the planet
Baldknob for the last thirty-six years. Our supplies are dangerously low and
we've had to breathe ammonia these last eighteen years. Fortunately, we had
to eat what was left of the ship. Aaahh, at last the voices have stopped for
awhile. But I suspect I can no longer turn my back on Cadet Stimpy. The rigors
of space travel have somehow twisted his mind. He's gone crazy. He's got the
space Madness!!

Ren: They think I am crazy but I know better.
It is not I who am crazy
It is I who am mad
Didn't ya see the crowds
You can't take if from me now
I've had this ice cream bar
  since I was a child
People always trying to take it
  from me
Why won't they leave me alone?

Ren: Cousin Sven, he's here. Cousin, come on in. Say something intelligent.
Sven: Dah, he is Ollie, you are Sven. He is Ollie, you are Sven.
Sven: Ah, duh, you are my new friend. I share mit you.
Stimpy: Say, what's that?
Sven: It's my yar of spit. I've been saving it since I was a child.
Stimpy: You save your spit? Wait here, I wanna show you something.
Look it's my magic nose goblins.
Sven: Yiminy!
Stimpy: I picked them myself.
Sven: Yah, und I finally get a good look at them.
Sven & Stimpy: Hee hee hee hee
Sven: One - six - yerteen - eight
Sven: What's that?
Stimpy: Duh, it's my first material possession
Sven: Willikers! Eets so big!
Stimpy: I know.
Sven: You want to see mine?
Stimpy: O.K. - wow!
Sven & Stimpy: (scream)
Sven: Stimpy, I love this.

Stimpy: Ahh, I hate rainy days.
Sven: Yaa, undt me too.
Stimpy: I know. Let's go play a game. Hmmm. Let's see...
There's Scribble & Gamey & Monotony & Pure Chessy & Misery Date.
Stimpy: Joy!
Sven: Joy!
Stimpy & Sven: It's the funniest game in the whole wide world.
"Don't Whiz On The Electric Fence."

When nature's callin'
Don't be stalin'
Use your common sense
Before you let it flow
Find a place to go
Just don't whiz on the
  electric fence
If you're gonna explode
You can use the commonde
Of igloos, cave dwellings
  or tents
No need to explain when
  you gotta drain
Just don't whiz on the
  electric fence
You can swizzle on the sofa
Piddle in the air
Tinkle in the toilet
That's why it is there
You can let it rain
In the breakfast lane
While waving at ladies
  and gents
Just don't whiz on...
Don't whiz on
Don't whiz on the electric fence

Stimpy: It's sure lonely around here
ever since Ren got his
Pectoral implants & went to Hollywood.
(Singing)
I've never asked for anything
  just your happiness.
And now that you have found it
  I should be glad, I guess.
But I've played in my litter box
  as long as I can.
And I would give most anything
  just to hear "What is it man?"
I know you've got your pecs now
  and gone on to bigger things
But before you go and flex now
  there's a cat at home who
  sings
That each and every day and
  night he misses his best
  friend.
And I only need to see you once
  to make this feelings end.
No matter where you go,
  no matter what you do
Remeber there's little bit of
  Stimpy's butt in you.
And just once when you strike a
  pose could you think of me?
'Cause when I scratch my rear
  I think of how it use to be.
The house is much too quite
  now that I don't hear
  your voice
And you know that I'd be with
  you if i only had my choice.
But I know I will smile again
  when I see your name
  in lights
And when they talk about you
  I'll tell them
That I knew you when you were
  just Ren.

Ren: O.K. Stimpy, it's time for your evolving lessons.
Stimpy: Oh rapture!!
(Singing)
They swing by their tales with
  the greatest of ease
Those hairy mammals we
  call monkeys
They have so much fun
Just living in trees
Oh, how I'd love to be one
  of these...
Soooo...
Chorus
I'm gonna be a monkey.
A monkey  monkey  monkey
A monkey  monkey  monkey
Monkey    monkey  monkey
I'm gonna be a monkey.
A monkey  monkey  monkey
Would you like to be one too?
When one monkey's itchy
  another is nice.
He picks at his back for
  vermin and lice.
And if he gets hungry, he'll
  pour on some spice
And eat the bugs without
  thinking twice
Mmmmmm... Mm. Delicious.
Soooo...
(repeat chorus)
Ren: O.K. If you wanna be a monkey you gotta learn to act like a monkey.
And I got the know-how 'cause I've seen every Tarzan movie ever made. So watch
and learn.
(Filthy's Dance plays as Ren says...)
Ren: Now note the ease with which I swing so nimbly hither and yon.
Witness as I perform an amazing double somersault & catch myself with my
perhensile tail.
Oh no... (scream!!)
Stimpy: Oh, I get the idea!
(Jungle Boogie plays as Stimpy says...)
Stimpy: Uh oh (scream!)
(back to Monkey Song)
Stimpy: (Singing)
Now I am a monkey
A monkey monkey monkey
Ren: (Singing)
And I am a monkey too.

Ren: Boy Stimpy, we sure had fun here today. Now it's time to say good-bye.
Stimpy: Duh... where're we going?
Ren: The record's over. See you next time!
Stimpy: When's that?
Ren: In a little while, man.
Stimpy: What'll we do 'til then?
Ren: You could wax your legs. Listen to your Burly Benny records. Eat
the fruit cake Anut Esther gave you last Christmas.
Stimpy: (cryies)
Ren: Hey Stimpy... I know... you could play the record again.
Stimpy: Play the record again? Oh joy!

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