Mulder: You didn't rent a convertible, did you?
Scully: Why?
Mulder: Are you aware of the statistics of decapitation?
Scully: Mulder, I'm hanging up. I'm turning off my cell-phone. I'm back in the office on Monday.
Mulder: You shouldnt uh... talk and drive at the same time either. Are you aware of the statistics <click> hello?

Mulder: Hell, maybe you don't know what you're looking for.
Scully: Like evidence of conjuring or the black arts or... shamanism, divination, Wicca or any kind of pagan or neo-pagan practice. Charms, cards, familiars, blood stones or hex signs or any of the ritual tableau associated with the occult, sensory, abudan, mukamba or any kind of high or low magic.
Mulder: Scully?
Scully: Yes?
Mulder: Marry me
Scully: I was hoping for something a little more helpful.
Mulder: Oh well, you know. Short of looking for a lady wearing a pointy hat riding a broom you pretty much got it covered there.
Scully: Thanks anyway...

(Scully, still on the phone with Mulder. finally gets distracted by the constant loud banging on his end.)
Scully: I was up and out this morning. Mulder?
Mulder: Yeah?
Scully: What's that noise? Where are you?
Mulder: I'm at home, uh... they're doing construction right out the window. Hold on a second.
(He fakes yelling out the window)
Mulder: Hey fellas! Just keep it down for a second MAYBE?!?
(he's dribbling a basketball on the coffee table, he stops.)
Mulder: Thank you!
(Throws the ball, it crashes into things out of camera shot. Mulder cringes, afraid he got caught.)

Mulder: You're obviously not a fan of American Bandstand, Scully.
Scully: Mulder?
Mulder: Yeah?
Scully: Thanks for the help (click)
Mulder: Hello?
Chief: That your partner?
(Not happy with Mulder)
Scully: Yep.
Chief: I'm sorry for eavesdropping but maybe he's got some insight on this?
Scully: No!
Chief: I see...

Scully: Well, maybe we need to keep our minds open to... extreme possibilities.
Chief: Okay, but aren't you on vacation?

(Answering the cell-phone)
Scully: Scully.
Mulder: Well, hey! I thought you weren't answering your cell-phone.
Scully: Then why'd you call?

Mulder: You didn't find a talking doll, did you Scully?
Scully: No, no... course not, uh...
Mulder: I would suggest that you should check the back of the doll for a.. a... plastic ring with a string on it. That would be my first... <click> Hello?

Mulder: What?
Scully: That poster. Where'd you get it?
Mulder: Oh, I got it down on M street at some head shop about 5 years ago.
Scully: Hmm.
Mulder: Why?
Scully: No, I just... wanted to send one to somebody.
Mulder: You do?
Scully: Mmm Hmm.
(in one smooth motion he opens drawer and scoops line of pencils into drawer and closing it)
Mulder: Oop! Who?
Scully: Oh, just... some guy. (Sounding really serious) Jack... (pause) M street?
Mulder: Yeah. Hey, does this have something to do about this case you were working on?
Scully: That case... (she's not concentrating) Oh... yes. Yes, it does.
Mulder: Did you solve it?
Scully: Me? No. No.... I was... I was... (resolving not to tell Mulder that she could do a better job without him)  ...on vacation. Just getting out of my own head for a few days. What about you? Did you... get anything done while I was gone?
Mulder: (Leaning back in the chair, arms around his head) Oh God, I mean it's amazing what I can accomplish without incessant meddling and questioning into everything I do. It's just...
(BAMF! Two pencils land in Mulder's lap from up above. Scully looks up, and there are like 100 pencils stuck into the acoustic ceiling tiles! She looks down again at Mulder, who's all sheepish)
Mulder: There's got to be an explanation...
Scully: Oh, I don't know. I think some things are better left unexplained.

Mulder: When you talk about Donald Gelman, you want to kill the brains, not the body.

(Sees that Mulder's snuck out with Gelman's computer)
Scully: Mulder!  That's evidence!
Mulder: Gee,  I hope so.

Frohike: (Referring to Gelman, Jobs, Wozniak and Gates) Now they're power brokers and billionaires Back then they were just... inspired nerds.

Frohike: This is a one-off. I've never seen anything like it. Gelman built this?
Mulder: That maybe what got him killed.
(They look up.  Byers is wide-eyed)
Langly: (Somber) Heavy casualty.
Frohike: (Somber) A brother goes down.

(The Lone Gunmen are oogling Esther)
Esther:  Are these the brain donors that nearly got us incinerated?
Mulder: Don't let their looks fool you.

Scully: Why didn't it just zap him too?

Esther: Its creator?  No, it needed to impress Donald.  Particle beam would have been overkill.
Scully: Unlike a dozen crack dealers?
Esther: No, you see, that's its sense of humor!

Mulder: OK, all right, but if you load the kill switch, what's to stop it from playing another funny joke on us?

Scully: Why don't you just call him? Oh... right... Death From Above.  

Mulder:  Call my doctor!  You have to call my doctor!  Call Doctor Scully!

Scully: First of all, if the family of Ronnie Strickland does D) decide to sue the FBI for, I think the figure is $446 million, then both you and I will most certainly be co-defendants.  And second of all... I don't even have a second of all, Mulder!  $446 million!  I'm in this as deeply as you are, and I'm not even the one that overreacted!  I didn't do the (stabbing motion) with the thing!
Mulder: I did not overreact, Ronnie Strickland was a vampire!
Scully:Where's your proof?
Mulder: You're my proof!  You were there! (She sighs) Okay, now you're scaring me.  I want to hear EXACTLY what you're going to tell Skinner.
Scully:Oh, you want our stories straight! (Accusatory tone)
Mulder: No, no, I didn't say that!  I just want to hear it the way YOU saw it.
Scully: (Balking)  I don't feel comfortable with that...
Mulder: PRISON, Scully!  Your cell-make's nick-name is gonna be Large Marge. She's gonna read a lot of Gertrude Stein...

Scully: (Over) It was there that we were met by a representative of local law enforcement... Sheriff...
(Romantic music begins as Scully looks upon her God in Uniform)
Hartwell: Lucious Hartwell.  You the FBI agents?
Scully: (Dreamily) Yessss....

Mulder: Agents Mulder and, uh... (snaps fingers 3 times)... Scully.

Mulder: C'mon, Scully, get those little legs moving!  C'mon!

Mulder: (Revealing the dead tourist) Nice threads!

Hartwell: You really know your stuff, Dana.
Mulder: (over) DANA?!?  He never even knew your first name!
Scully: (over) You gonna interrupt me or what?
Mulder: (over) No.  You go ahead.  Dana...
Hartwell: (In a replay) Agent Scully, you really know your stuff.

Mulder: Sheriff, do you have an old cemetery in town, off the beaten path, the creepier the better?
Hartwell: (Breaking from Scully's gaze) Uh, yeah.
Mulder: (Snaps finger and points) Take me there.  Now!

Scully: Whoa whoa whoa whoa!  What am I even looking for? (by doing an autopsy)
Mulder: (Holding her shoulders, really serious) I... don't.. know... (whirls off)
Scully: (To Hartwell) He does that.
Hartwell: (Puts hat back on, gets smooth) Ma'am... (and leaves)

Scully: 4:54 PM.  Begin autopsy on white male, age 60.  Who is arguably having a worse time in Texas than I am... Although not by much.  (Blade falls off her scalpel, sayd deadpan) yee hah... 

Mulder: We got another dead tourist.  You got to do another autopsy.
Scully: Tonight?  I just put money in the Magic Fingers!
Mulder: I won't let it go to waste

Scully: Mulder, are you okay?  
(He's drugged, lying on the ground, mumbling...)
Mulder: Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks? Shaft! Can ya dig it?  They say this cat Shaft is a bad mutha- shut yo mouth!  I'm talkin' bout Shaft!

Mulder: Yo damn right.  Yesterday morning began like any other morning.  You arrived at the office characteristically... LESS than exuberant.

Hartwell: Y'all muss be the guv'mint peeple...
Scully: (over) He had big... buck teeth?!?
Mulder: (over) He had a... slight overbite.

Mulder: (over) Okay. here's something you may not know... shooting out the tires of a runaway RV is a lot harder than it looks.  (Both Mulder and Sheriff emptied their guns but RV still circles)  I then tried a different approach...
(Mulder is now hanging onto the front bumper, being dragged around in circles)
Mulder: Whoaaaa!!!!!
Hartwell: C'mon!  Bird Doggit!  Atta boy!
(Flies off, gets all muddy)
Mulder: (over) Finally, we prevailed...
(All by itself, the RV runs out of gas and stops)

Scully: What do you mean, you want me to do another autopsy?  And why do I have to do it right now?  I've just spent hours on my feed doing an autopsy, all for you!  I do it all for you, Mulder!  You know, I haven't waten since 6 o'clock this morning and all that was was half a cream cheese bagel and it wasn't real cream cheese, it was light cream cheese!  And now you want me to run off and do another autopsy?  
(Finally slightly calms down to notice he's covered in mud)
Scully: What the hell happened to you?!?
Mulder: (over) FINALLY, you left.
Scully: Don't you touch that bed!
(SLAM!  Picture falls crooked)

(Mulder calls Scully, she answers phone as Mulder becomes paralyzed and can only breathe heavily into phone)
Scully: Scully...  Hello?  Hello?  Creep... (hangs up)

(Mulder throws sunflower seeds, which Ronnie has to pick up one by one)
Ronny: Aw, man!  Why'd you have to go and do that for?  (Looks up and points at Mulder) You are in big trouble!

Scully: (over, reacting to Mulder's events) You're saying that I actually hit him... two times?
Mulder: (hits himself) Square in the chest.  No effect.
Scully: And then he sort of flew at me like a flying squirrel?
Mulder: Well, I don't think I'll use the term flying squirrel when I talk to Skinner, but yeah... that's what happened.

Pathologist: Probable cause of death... (sees stake in heart) That's a tough one...

(Mulder and Scully are fidgeting in Skinner's waiting room, She fixes his tie and he slaps her hand away)
Scully: Mulder, please just keep reminding him you were drugged.
Mulder: Will you stop that!
Scully: Couldn't hurt!
Mulder: Stop it!
Skinner: Scully?  Mulder?
(They both pop up standing)
Mulder: I was drugged!

Scully: Wait, he was dead!
Mulder: I noticed that.
Scully: With a stake through his heart!
Mulder: I noticed that too.

(Riding Ronnie's bucking coffin, scoring style points.)
Mulder: C'mon, cut it out Ronnie!  
(Looks out window, sees he's being surrounded by vamps)  
Mulder: Oh... sh...

(At end of Skinner talk)
Scully: Anyway... I was drugged.
Mulder: That is... essentially.... exactly the way it happened.
Scully: Essentially...
(screen blacks out)
Mulder: (over) Except for the part about the buck teeth.