Revelations - Syzygy

REVELATIONS (3.11)	Mulder: (tasting "blood") I think this is a case of too much faith.. and too much sugar. Mulder: Either we're dealing with a psychotic religious fanatic who's hell bent on exposing these kinds of frauds, or a less pragmatic psycho who harbours a murderous resentment towards the church or maybe it's just a.. uh.. very disgruntled altar boy. kid: (describing abductor) He didn't have no hair. kid2: Cause it all burned off in hell! Mulder: Yeah.. it looks like Kevin was abducted by Homer Simpson's evil twin. (Scully preparing kid's bath) Mulder: You never draw MY bath.
WAR OF THE COPRAPHAGES (3.12)	Scully: (on phone with Mulder) ...the very idea of intelligent alien life is not only astronomically improbable but at it's most basic level... downright anti-Darwinian. Mulder: Scully.. What are you wearing? Doctor Eckerslie: Yeah.. uh.. soon as I take a little break.. uh.. after talking with Agent Mulder here, I suddenly feel slightly constipated. Scully: (answers phone) Who died now? Scully: I don't know what to tell you, Mulder. I just hope you're not implying you've come across an infestation of killer cockroaches. (Mulder in cockroach infested government test house) Mulder: Dr.Barenbaum, I'm going to have to ask you a few questions. Dr. Bambi Barenbaum: Such as? Mulder: What's a woman like you doing in a place like this? Mulder: Did you know that the ancient egyptians worshipped the Scarob Beetle and possibly erected the pyramids to honour them? Which may just be giant symbolic dung heaps. Scully: Did you know the inventor of the flush toilet was named Thomas Crapper? Scully: Her name is Bambi? Mulder: Yeah. Both her parents were naturalists. Her theory is that UFO's are really nocturnal insect swarms passing through electrical airfields. Scully: Her name is Bambi?! Mulder: I had a praying Mantis epiphany. And as a result I screamed. Not a girlie scream, but a scream of someone being confronted by some before unknown monster that had no right existing on the same planet I inhabited. Did you ever notice how a Praying Mantis head resembles an alien's head? I mean the mysteries of the natural world were revealed to me that day but instead of being astounded I was.. repulsed. Scully: Mulder, are you sure it wasn't a girlie scream? Scully: (answers phone) What happened this time? Dr.Barenbaum: We differentiate (cockroach) species by their genetalia. (looking at one under microscope) Oh my God! Mulder: Is it abnormal? Dr.Barenbaum: I'll say! He's hung like a Club-Tailed Dragonfly. (panicking crowd in convenience store. One sailor grabs packages of panty hose) Mulder: Scully, if an alien civilization were technologically advanced enough to build and send artificially intelligent robotic probes to the furthest reaches of space, might they not have also been able to perfect the extraction of methane fuel from manure, an abundant and replenishing energy source on a planet FILLED with dung producing creatures? Scully: Mulder, I think you've been in this town too long. Dr.Barenbaum: Should I come along with you? Scully: No.. (bangs cartridge into gun) This is NO place for an entomologist. (Mulder & Scully covered in manure) Mulder: CRAP! Sheriff: You two ought to get some rest. You look.. pooped. Dr.Barenbaum: Maybe whatever these things were they've had their final molt and have flown off back to wherever they came from. Scully: Yeah.. that would explain everything. Scully: Well, think of it this way Mulder. By the time there's another invasion of artificially intelligent dung eating robotic probes from outer space maybe their (Dr.B's and robotics doctor)(-odour?-) children will have devised a way to save our planet. Mulder: You know, I never thought I'd say this to you Scully, but you smell bad.
SYZYGY (3.13)	Mulder: If you detect a hint of scepticism or incredulity in Agent Scully's voice, it's because of the overwhelming evidence gathered by the FBI debunking virtually all claims of ritual abuse by satanic cults. Det.Angela White: Is that true? Mulder: Don't ask me. Scully: Where's she going? Mulder: You don't suppose she's a virgin do you? Scully: I doubt she's even a blonde. (coffin just burst into flames) Mulder: (to Scully) Maybe we're just imagining that. Mulder: If you detect a hint of impatience in Agent Scully's voice, that's because the FBI's study also found that in most cases like the McMartin Preschool trial, witnesses were often prompted in their statements by rumours of stories that were being circulated and that there was in fact nothing to support them. Det.White: How do you explain the burning coffin at the funeral? Mulder: Don't ask me. Mulder: If it's no bother.. if it's not too big a deal.. maybe you can get me a few photographs of that thing which bears absolutely no resemblance to a horned beast! Scully: Sure. Fine. Whatever. Det.White: So.. what are you doing at my house? Mulder: I was hoping you could help me solve the mystery of the horny beast. Scully: I didn't expect you to ditch me! Mulder: I didn't DITCH you! Scully: Fine. Whatever. Mulder: Go ahead. Scully: No, you go ahead. Mulder: No, no. Be my guest. I know how much you like snapping on the latex. (Scully snaps on rubber gloves) Mulder: This may not be any time to mention it, but somebody is wearing my favourite perfume! Det.White: Maybe you can help me solve the mystery of the horny beast. Mulder: Maybe we should just watch some television. There's a movie on TV. Actually, it's the same movie on every channel. Det.White: Weird! I like weird.. I feel weird. Mulder: Let me drive. Scully: I'm driving. Mulder: Scully, it's not what you think (with Det.White). Scully: I didn't see anything anyway. Mulder: Will you let me drive! Scully: I'm driving! Why do you always have to drive?! Because you're the guy? Because you're the big, macho man? Mulder: No. I was just never sure your little feet could reach the pedals. astrologer: Last I heard the Federal Government couldn't pay it's bills. ...OK. You're good for up to 300 $. Scully: Sure. Fine. Whatever. Scully: You ready? Mulder: You're the driver. (Scully peels out of parking space) Mulder: You just ran a stop sign, Scully! Scully: Shut up, Mulder. Mulder: Sure. Fine. Whatever.