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More JAKE Material
Jake's Shorts:
The result of OJ's Civil Trial was that the "Juice got squeezed till it Hertz".
Jake's Shorts:
"The American Dream" ended when Americans woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom from drinking too much imported beer.
Jake On The Economy:
Washington tells us how great this country is doing, but to the average guy it feels like the road to economic recovery has been permanently detoured to a walking path through the mountains of Tibet. If they really want to help us, how's about lending lower and middle-class America a few of the military's leftover Humvees to get us up the mountain faster, to see what the rich have built at the top.
Jake On Violence In The Classroom and Catholic Schools:
It's disgusting to think that children carry handguns and other weapons to school, times sure have changed. When I was a kid in catholic schools, the only violence in the classroom was directed at the students, it was called penance. If we got out of line the good sisters would dole out a good thrashing with a ruler, pointer or whatever solid object was available, to get our attention and instill in us the fear of god and his handmaidens of no-mercy. Could you imagine if we had the weapons of today back then, the headlines might have read, "Sister Caught In Hail Of Mary's Fire - Mary Smith Charged", "Sister Shot Dead During Act Of Nunsense", "Nun No More, Student Charged With Breaking First Commandment", "Bishop Responds To Violence - We'll Have Nun Of That", "Punished Student Took Lord's Name In Vane, Slashes Sister's Artery". But we really wouldn't have done any of that, we couldn't of carried the extra guilt.
Jake's Shorts:
The Fabric Of American Society has shrunk from trying to wash it, worn out in the knees from stooping too low and ripped out in the crotch from over exposure.
Jake On Civil Litigation:
Civil Litigation has changed everything, even the way kids play. I overheard a couple of them the other day where one was picking on the other, calling him a sissy, a momma's boy. When I was a kid the end result of this activity would have been a little healthy, character building, blood-letting via a trip to the nose or split lip. Not today, the kid receiving the insults reacted in a cool business-like manner informing the instigator, "Keep it up and I'll own everything you have!". The other kid seemed scared, reacted with immediate silence and went on to something else to occupy his attentions. Seems the legal punch has replaced a good right cross.
Jake's Shorts:
The government tells us they're concerned about the Internet because it's content is sometimes obscene and can be viewed by children; Can't the same be said about it? The real reason they want to regulate it is because it's one super-highway that is toll free and this really taxes their tariff.
Justifications Of Jake; On Medications Through The Mail - Thank You AARP:
I'm not saying that I don't appreciate being employed by Uncle Sam as a mail carrier, but there are times I don't agree with policy. Take for instance the practice of medications being sent through the mail to senior citizens. Jake Jr. calls this practice the "Postal Connection" and refers to me as the "Federal Fix"and "Senior Supplier". I hate to admit it but the little bas__rd is right, I have become a street-level delivery boy. And what about the fact that I'm dispensing medications without a license, I know this violates a whole s__t load of regulations outside of the U.S.P.S. Code. I remember when my daughter Donna worked part-time as a nursing home aide when she was in high school and came home one night in tears. Turns out she was fired for giving a resident some of their hemorrhoid cream, the nursing home told her that since she was not a nurse, she had dispensed a doctor ordered medication without a license, which is against the law. Well I'm also not a nurse, not even a nurse's aide and haven't even had even as much training as my little girl had when she broke the law! It's gotten to the point now where I hate to approach a house with a box of pills, I don't even have to ring the door bell and some little gray haired, glassy eyed individual rushes out to greet me like I was Ed McMahon himself from the Publisher's Clearing House. These people know exactly when their deliveries will arrive, all they have to do is pick up the phone, give their ID numbers and bingo - Their supply is on the way, guaranteed next day delivery. They also treat me as if I personally filled their orders by asking me for advice like "Is it OK for me to double my dose on the sleeping pills because I want to sleep longer - I don't have anything to do until my afternoon show comes on?". One thing's for sure, I'm not delivering Preparation H. I've never known a hemorrhoid treatment to cause: Glassy eyes, anxiety, giddy behavior, etc... The other day I made a delivery to one of the blue-haired ladies on my route who as expected, met me on her doorstep. It was a hot, humid day and I looked a nd felt drained. She noticed this and asked me if I wanted a little something to pick me up and offered something cold to drink. I gratefully accepted her offer only to be handed a glass of iced tea and a couple of pills. As she handed them to me she winked and said, "Try these, they'll put the spring back in your step, don't worry, I've got a ton of them". And so it is, your mail carrier now is an extension of your local pharmacy and supplies yet another form of JUNK mail. I can only hope that the AARP doesn't offer it's membership Periwash through the mail, wouldn't want to have my customers greet me for a much needed delivery. Take it from old Jake, one who knows the value of a free peek at nothing, I expect a future newspaper to read - " Mailmen To Now Carry Beepers, DIAL 1-800-USA-JUNK".
Jake's Shorts:
They say "Justice Is Blind" . Yeah - deaf, dumb and blind to those who can't pay the big bucks to the little dears!
Jake's Shorts:
If you're looking for The Commission On Integrity In Government, they share space with the Maytag Repairman.
Justifications Of Jake; On Unemployment And Employing The Unemployed - Stand Up And Be Counted:
There seems to be a vast difference between what the government tells us about their Unemployment Figures and the truth. Go into any super-market and look closely at the young men or women who pack your groceries, take a minute and ask them about their education. Chances are they are college graduates who cannot find a job in their field of study because "There aren't any". It's a sad state of affairs when entry level jobs at super-markets, fast-food restaurants, etc... are occupied by college educated people, I mean have these jobs gotten that much more complicated today or what? According to Tim, Master of Science in Mechanical Engineering, who intelligently packs my groceries on a regular basis, things are looking up for him though. Next week he interviews for a better paying position with better benefits and chances for advancement. He's applied for a "Ride Attendant" position at the local amusement park, a job right up his alley right? I know I'll feel better knowing that Tim will be there to assist lifting my bloody and broken body from the ground if something goes wrong with the ride. I'll be able to benefit from his masters level education as he explains to me what went wrong and why. But Tim is one of the fortunate ones, at least he has some kind of job. Let's help those who unlike Tim, are not employed and seem to be non-existent in the eyes of the government's bean talliers, let's put them to work for at least one day. We can line them up in the presence of Washington's chief no-account accountant and have them count off, then maybe we'll come up with a true and accurate figure - At least we'll have full employment for the day. Take it from old Jake, One who knows the value of a free peek at nothing, "We can't count on Washington to count on us".
Justifications Of Jake; On Insurance Companies:
Let's get this right, you pay premiums to protect you against loss whether it be your life, car, health, home, etc... Then when you experience a loss and file a claim the company most likely will cancel your policy. I can see this in the case of life insurance, might as well cancel the policy as the insured has no life left and now only needs protection from the elements found six feet under, if anything. But say you have an auto accident, you file a claim and the company cancels your policy, Is this right? Remember the reason you had this policy in the first place according to their own wording was, "To Protect You Against Loss". I say to sue them for breach of contract, they didn't do their job, they didn't PROTECT you from anything except maybe having a few extra bucks in the bank. Where were they when your car slammed into that deer in the middle of the night? Where they there to warn you or trying to chase the deer away from the path of your rapidly approaching car - No! They were most likely sound asleep having sweet dreams about ways to spend your premiums! Take it from old Jake, One who knows the value of a free peek at nothing, "Insurance Companies don't have your best financial interests in mind, why else would they call themselves "BROKErs".
Justifications Of Jake; On Meteorologists And Weathermen:
We used to have a local weatherman on the TV who was a holdout to modern, scientific Meteorology. He wasn't college educated and therefore not a bona-fide, scientific Meteorologist, just a TV weatherman. The station eventually canned him in favor of a credentialed, card-carrying Meteorologist but the accuracy of forecasting didn't improve - It got worse!. Still, the TV station stuck with their new "Golden Boy" because this was the modern thing to do and they didn't want to appear backwards, regardless of the quality of the weather reports. Some time later, the ex-weatherman was interviewed by a local newspaper as to why his forecasting was so much more accurate than the Meteorologist who replaced him to which he replied, "Before going on the air I opened up the window and looked up at the sky". Take it from old Jake, one who knows the value of a free peek at nothing - "The world's filled with educated people making the samemistakes over and over - Only more intelligently".
Justifications Of Jake; On Sigmund Freud:
As I see it this guy was not a stable fellow. He locked himself up for years to study how he thought and what he felt and emerged with nothing but talk of his momma and his pe_is - If you ask me he was one lonely, mixed-up pervert and a momma's boy to boot. He was responsible for the term "Pe_is Envy" and had a whole line of happy horse sh_t attached to it but I have my own theory. The way I see it, it isn't the woman who envies the male his pe_is but the male who is ashamed of it - Why else does he spend his whole life looking for places to hide it, over and over again. Take it from old Jake, one who knows the value of a free peek at nothing,
"Sigmund Freud was probably a cross-dresser, we always hear about his slips".
Justifications Of Jake; On Experts & Theories:
I'm no Einstein but I do know the difference between a whole lot of used bull food and what works. I was watching some pompous pitouie on TV go on and on about
his theories relating to Mars. At the end of his dissertation, forty minutes later, he stated that Mars could never have and never will sustain life as we know it; This is really the only thing I needed to know in the first place. I'm sure that he felt the better for his long- winded exercise in mental mast--bation judging from the smug look on his face, or was it just gas, but I felt as though I had been had, wasting all that time waiting in anticipation of the proverbial bottom line - Little Green Men or No Little Green Men. Reminds me of the time Jake Jr. and I broke down in the car on the interstate and had to be towed to a service station. There they had all the fancy computerized gadgets and were analyzing that poor car's engine to death, testing this and testing that, looking this up and that up. None of them thought to ask us if we happened to have an idea as to what was wrong with the car, which we did, because we were not "The Experts". After much aggravation and wasted time, Jake Jr. went under the hood of the car, removed the carburetor and stated, "Carburetor's broke - Fix It!. They did and we were again our way to Jake Jr's Little League All-Star Game - So much for the experts. Take it from old Jake, one who knows the value of a free peek at nothing - The only thing expert about "The Experts" is that they say they absolutely nothing with authority. They're about as useful as a screen door on a submarine!
Jake On Finding Intelligent Life On Other Planets:
We've spent millions so far to find life on other planets and haven't come up with even a cockroach. Has anyone suggested trying, "St.Anthony, St. Anthony please come around, there's something lost that has to be found?". Should have tried this first, after all he lives closer, it's his neighborhood!
Jake On "Wakes" At Funeral Homes:
Talk about fraudulent representation. Can you imagine a customer actually waking up during a viewing?, bet you'd have a bunch of "Sleeps" on your hands!
Jake On Politicians:
According to them they're all without sin. Brain damage I tell you, caused by their slipping halos.
Jake On The War On Drugs:
One thing's for sure, chemical weapons are useless. The enemy has a hell of a bigger stockpile than we do.
Jake On The Internet:
I don't see what's the big deal. They say you can travel anywhere you want from your own home in a matter of minutes, Jake Jr. has been doing that for years with his own version of the W-W-W, It's called the P-O-T.
Justifications Of Jake, The Non-Recovering Drunk
I tried to quit drinking once at the suggestion of Shiela, my nagging wife, even went to a "Twelve-Step Recovery Program" meeting. I was a little buzzed when I arrived and had difficulty going up their twelve steps (There were really only seven till you reached the door - They lied). After the meeting I tripped on the first step and broke a different bone on each of the remaining six during my continued fall. After getting patched up at the emergency room I went out for a few drinks to kill the pain from my injuries. Later I returned home only to get nagged at some more and vowed right then and there that I'd never take another drop again, like I did down those twelve (Really only seven) steps. My advice to those seeking out "Twelve-Step Recovery Programs, Use the hand-rail and find a program with less steps than the seven of the mis-represented twelve that I found or learn to live with the nagging, it hurts less. You won't get anything useful from a bunch of idiots who are either hallucinating (Seeing all those steps) or just really bad in math. Take it from old Jake, one who knows the value of a free peek at nothing, "Tis better to be Tipsy than take a Topsy".
Jake On Lawyers:
The only difference between a lawyer and the low-life they represent is where they are seated in the courtroom.
Jake On Criminals:
Hell, we all know they can't stay out of prison, at least until they pass the bar exam.
Jake On The Congressional Internet Decency Act:
Sort of like buying houses from the homeless. The only decent thing congress has ever done was to build that big library.
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Old Circular File
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