Grotesque Gourmet

The offers a few
Putrid Potables, Horrid'œuvres,
Vile Vittles, & Gross Goodies!

These should be sufficient to whet (or wither :-) the appetite of your favorite ghouls, ghosts, and goblins.
Our gruesome delectables are merely suggestions intended to get your macabre imagination charged...
adapt these ideas to suit your guests! It IS all in the imagination, right?

If you happen to have an incredibly fast connection and speedy 'puter and a great sound card here's an appropriate little number for you ... "Cat's in the Kettle.wav" Warning, it's a 1.01 MB file! Knowing my warped sense of humor, a friend had sent it to me. Unfortunately, it has no copyright or other info to indicate who should get the credit. If by chance you know who's work it is, please send an e-mail so I can give credit where it's due or remove the file per request.

Appréciez un bon repas!

**Putrid Potables &Horrid'œuvres**
Putrid Potables Dracula's Blood - any deep red wine or Cranberry Juice Cocktail. Witches brew - Bloody Mary's or V8 or tomato juice (optional - spiced with a dash of Worcestershire sauce) and garnish with a celery stick broom, "feather" the end of the celery stick to make it look like a broom. Another one to try is a combination of Mountain Dew and seedless grapes (for eyeballs). Some folks add blue Kool-Aid to get a putrid blue-greenish color but it looks a bit too much like anitfreeze and kids might not be able to tell the difference -- not worth the chance! For Punch Bowl beverages instead of plain ice cubes try this: get a pair of latex gloves (non-powdered) wash them inside and out, rinse thoroughly & fill with cranberry juice, V8 juice, tomato juice, or any non carbonated drink. Tie a knot at the wrist, then pop 'em in the freezer. When you're ready to use them, cut off the knot, run warm water over the "hands" and peel the glove off. Voila`	Eye of Newt (or whatever creepy crawly of your choice!) There are several ways to do these... Peel and cut hard boiled eggs in half, lengthwise. Scoop out the yolks and put them in a plastic bag Cover the egg white shells in plastic and set them aside in the refrigerator. Place the yolks in a plastic bag and add your favorite deviled egg ingredients (per half dozen eggs - about 1/4 cup of mayonnaise, sour cream, soft whipped cream cheese or plain yogurt, 1/2 tsp. brown or dijon mustard, salt & pepper to taste). Press out excess air as you close bag. Knead gently until everything is thoroughly blended. Snip a bit off the corner of bag, then from the opposite end gently squeeze the bag to refill the hollows in the whites with yolk mixture. Dust the yolks very lightly with paprika, garnish with slivers of red or yellow bell peppers for "reptilian" eyes Chill again so flavors blend nicely. You can also use black or green olives decorated with slivers of red or yellow bell peppers and lightly coated with olive oil to give them a glossy look.
Buffy's Barf [you know her, the Vampire Slayer?] This is so simple I'm almost ashamed to post it! Just open and heat a couple few cans of chunky vegetable beef soup! The trick is in presentation... I use a large white mixing bowl decorated to look like a commode. Take a couple of heavy duty paper plates. (I use Chinet oval platters) a cereal box, and a silver toned barrette. Cut the center out of one paper plate and put it around the top of the bowl (toilet seat). Cover the cereal box with white shelf paper (toilet tank). On the right side, poke a hole about an inch from the top to insert the back of the barrette (this makes a flush handle on toilet tank) Tape the other paper plate to the front of the cereal box to make the toilet seat lid. Put your toilet bowl in front of the "tank" and enjoy your meal!	Crunchy Creepy Critters here's another one that requires very little effort, and just a bit of imagination and is healthy too! Chow mien noodles (meal worms) Gooey Bug Bits can be made from: brown or green raisins, bits of prunes, dried apricots, etc. Crunchy Bug Bits can be made from: Rice Krispy's,Sunflower kernels, peanuts, pistachios, cashews, popped corn, crumbled crispy bacon bits, or whatever else suits your fancy... Spicy Crunchy Critters: Put your worms and bug bits in a plastic bag, toss in some Mrs. Dash's seasoning Old Bay Seasoning, seasoned salt, shake and serve! Sweet Crispy Critters: In a small pan, melt butterscotch or chocolate morsels using a very low heat and stir constantly. Slowly add in your choice of bug bits and worms. Witchy Fingers: Corn Curls with almond slivers stuck in the tips (for fingernails.) Beetles: Prunes with almond slivers stuck in the sides (for wings.) Smushed Slug Dip: Apologies to Kraft Foods, but I've used their 1000 Island and Bacon & Tomato Dip for this one ;-)

Snicker break...
Three vampires went into a bar and sat down.
The barmaid came over and said,
"What can I get for you, uh... gentlemen... tonight?"
The first vampire said, "I'll have a pint of hot blood."
The second vampire said, "I'll have a pint of hot blood."
The third vampire looked at his companions,
shook his head and said, "I'll just have a pint of plasma."

The barmaid called out to the bartender...

"Two bloods and a blood light!"

Vile Vittles, & Gross Goodies!
Adjust quantities to suit your party.
FrankenBody Burgers
Use your basic meat loaf recipe but form small bodies --about 1/4 pound each.
Basic recipe: 2 lbs lean ground beef,
1 onion (peeled and grated)
3/4 to 1 cup very fine bread crumbs, (or uncooked quick oatmeal, or crushed corn flakes, total cereal, etc.)
1 egg (lightly beaten)
2-3 tbs. ketchup, a dash or two of steak or Worcestershire Sauce, salt & pepper to taste. Thoroughly combine ingredients
To form in the shape of bodies --
1 - one scoop (about a tablespoon) for the torso, shape it kind of oblong-ish and flatten it to about a half inch deep;
2 - a small round ball (about a teaspoon) also slightly flattened, for the head; you can use tiny specks of black olives for eyes and nose.
3 - four little pinches rolled between your hands to form tiny arms and legs.
On an ungreased cookie sheet, place the torsos then line the heads up over the torsos, place the legs beneath the torsos, and place the arms, from the "shoulders" and crossed over the body.
Lightly spread ketchup over the body to bond the body parts together and keep it nice and moist.
Bake @ 350º F until just browned. Use a large pancake turner to remove them so the body parts stay together.
I serve FrankenBody Burgers on "coffins"
which are just hoagie rolls cut in half - (through the sides so that you have two long halves) toasted lightly and decorated with fried onions around the body (to look like worms :-) You can also decorate them with spicy curly fries (use one as a noose around the "neck") I serve the bodies in the coffins on a platter surrounded by lettuce so it looks like a cemetery. Condiments are served separately.
Alternatively, you could make one large FrankenBody... Just make bigger body parts and bake in a large baking pan.
For the coffin, slice a loaf of Italian bread decorated as described above
Kitty Litter Casserole
You need a oblong baking pan and a brand new kitty litter scoop. Use long grain white rice or wild rice, both look appropriate!
I use only long grain rice (wild or regular white depending on my mood at the moment) It's really easy to make good rice without resorting to the "minute" variety. It looks better, tastes better and might be more nutritious since everything isn't cooked off! It's really easy to get perfect rice every time. For added flavor and nutrition, I usually substitute canned chicken or beef broth for water, then I do not add salt or butter/margarine. If you use condensed broth, be sure to dilute it with water. If you use just water, you'll need to add about a quarter teaspoon salt and about a tablespoon of butter or margarine.
If the package has directions, use them, otherwise a good ratio is: 1 3/4 cups dry rice to about 2 cups liquid. Combine the and the liquid in an open 2-3 qt pot. Bring it to a boil and stir a couple of times. Cover with a tight fitting lid and reduce the heat to simmer. Cook covered for about 15 minutes. If the liquid isn't absorbed, or, if the rice isn't quite tender add a bit more water, recover and cook for a few minutes more.

Prepare rice using beef broth. While that's cooking, brown about a pound of small (finger size) sausage links. When the links are done, set them aside on a plate until the rice is done. Pour off excess grease but leave a little in the pan. When the rice is done, dump it into the fry pan you just used for the sausage... stir it around a bit to absorb the sausage flavor (aka grease, so much for nutrition ;-)
Then put the rice in a 11x13 (ish) baking pan, strategically place the kitty droppings (sausage links) and lightly cover with the litter (rice) For optional "Kitty pee's" strategically place a few tablespoonfull dollops of cream of celery soup and cover with "litter"
Now, to make this seem realistic, it's crucial you use a litter scoop!

Scoop Away Cake
Preheat oven to 350º F and prepare a
9 x 13" cake pan - lightly geased with margarine & lightly dusted with flour. (I've used Baker's Secret vegetable spray -- it has a very fine powder in it, and has no funny taste!) Always cool cakes on a cake rack so they cool evenly.
From Scratch:
Blend 2 cups of sifted all-purpose flour, 2 teaspoons baking soda, 1 teaspoon cinnamon, 1/2 tsp. nutmeg & 1/2 tsp. salt and set aside.
In a larger bowl mix a 16 oz. can pumpkin, 2 cups sugar,1/2 c applesauce (regular or chunky), 1/2 cup milk and 3 eggs until thoroughly blended.
Slowly add flour mixture and beat until well blended. Pour into cake pan and bake for approximately 40-45 minutes. When done, a cake will spring back when touched lightly in the center.
When the cake is thouroughly cooled, remove it from the pan, wash & dry the pan, then crumble the cake and put it back in the pan.
Easy Alternative: a box spice cake, just substitute pumpkin & applesauce to be equivalent to the water called for in the package directions, and add the cinnamon & nutmeg as indicated above.
Kitty poos: slices of dried figs, plums, apricots, or prunes strategically placed & covered with "litter" cake
Kitty pees: cream cheese frosting -
1 cup 10X sugar,
1/4 cup light cream cheese (softened)
1/4 c margarine (softened)
1-2 tbs milk, 1 tbs pure vanilla extract.
Mix ingredients until well blended and smooth. (If necessary, use a bit more milk to make it a bit on the liquid side.)
Put teaspoon sized dollops of "pee" around the "litter pan" and cover.
Ummmm... Yummmy!!!!
Blood Cake
(aka Red Velvet Cake... remember the gross Armadillo cake in the movie Steel Magnolias?
This is like that... but we're calling it "blood")

Preheat oven to 350º F and prepare (as described for Scoop Away Cake) a
9 x 13" cake pan, two 9" round pans, or use a heart shaped cake pan. You'll have to adjust bake times according to whichever pan you're using. Always cool cakes on a cake rack so they cool evenly.

Easy Variety: 1 (2 layer size) box devil's food cake mix ,1/2 cup oil, 1 cup low-fat buttermilk, 5 eggs (or egg beater equivalent) and 2 ounces red food coloring
Make and bake the cake according to package directions, substituting the oil, buttermilk, eggs and food coloring listed above for the package direction's ingredients.
From scratch:
1) - Sift together 2 tbs cocoa and 2 1/2 cups all purpose flour -- sift a couple of times to blend well, and set aside in a small bowl.
In another small bowl cream:
2) - 1/2 cup shortening, and 1 1/2 cup sugar, until light and fluffy, add 2 eggs and beat for about a minute -- till thoroughly blended, add 1 teaspoon of salt and beat well again.
In another small bowl,
3) - blend 1 cup buttermilk and a teaspoon of pure vanilla extract, and 4 tbs. red food coloring
Alternate adding flour (1) and milk (2) mixture and (3) creamed mixture.
Finally, combine soda and vinegar in cup and add to cake batter.
This is a very rich and tasty cake; some folks smother it with fluffy white icing. I usually just "dust" it with powdered 10X sugar. With the heart shaped pan, I cut-out a pattern from a "Pumpkin Masters Carving Kit Pattern Book" and just sift the 10X over it to get the design to transfer. Looks nice & tastes great!

The Putrid Pond
Is Split pea soup...

Rinse 1 pound dried green split peas thoroughly in a colander. Using a large pot (dutch oven) cover the peas with 5-6 cups of water and add about a teaspoon of salt.
Bring it to a boil for a few minutes, then turn off the heat and let it stand for about an hour. You don't get to play for this hour... Whilst waiting, dice about a quarter to half pound left-over ham (or dice a ham slice and brown it in a skillet -- if you do this, when the ham is done, rinse the pan with water and dump that into the pea stock) Brown an onion or two and a few diced celery stalks. Add the ham, onion & celery to the pea stock. Return the pot to boiling, then reduce the heat and simmer slowly for an hour or two. You will need to add a can or two of vegetable or chicken stock (College Inn is good) to maintain a decent amount of liquid.
Meanwhile, peel the outter layer of a couple few carrots (I don't use that part because it has a sharp bitter taste) then continue peeling the carrots into thin slivers. Peel and dice a couple potatoes.
About a half hour before serving, add the potatoes and carrots. Continue simmering unitl the soup is souper!
The Ectoplasmic Pond
You'll need Lime Jello, Kiwi fruit slices & seedless grapes. For this one I use my Deviled egg dish, it's got little scooped edges that hold the Kiwi slices very nicely, then I put grape halves and chunks of peaches in the center.
Make up a large box of lime or orange jello, following package directions, (I use boiling apple juice instead of water!)
Pour the jello into a shallow oval dish or cookie pan (has to have at least a 1/2 inch deep edge) and chill partially... then add kiwi fruit (don't forget to gently peel the rough fuzzy outter edge) and cut the slices -- looks like eerie "eyes" and place them around the edge.
Add grape halves to the center area, cut side up and place slivers of marachino cherries in the center of the grape. Once the jello sets you can "float" marshmallow "ghosts" over the pond. Use tiny drops of dark color cake decoration icing (the kind you use to write names with) to give the ghosts eyes and a mouth.
Another optical option:
Put the kiwi fruit slices or grapes in round ice cube trays and cover with the jello and chill.

**Vile Vittles, & Gross Goodies!**
Adjust quantities to suit your party.
FrankenBody Burgers Use your basic meat loaf recipe but form small bodies --about 1/4 pound each. Basic recipe: 2 lbs lean ground beef, 1 onion (peeled and grated) 3/4 to 1 cup very fine bread crumbs, (or uncooked quick oatmeal, or crushed corn flakes, total cereal, etc.) 1 egg (lightly beaten) 2-3 tbs. ketchup, a dash or two of steak or Worcestershire Sauce, salt & pepper to taste. Thoroughly combine ingredients To form in the shape of bodies -- 1 - one scoop (about a tablespoon) for the torso, shape it kind of oblong-ish and flatten it to about a half inch deep; 2 - a small round ball (about a teaspoon) also slightly flattened, for the head; you can use tiny specks of black olives for eyes and nose. 3 - four little pinches rolled between your hands to form tiny arms and legs. On an ungreased cookie sheet, place the torsos then line the heads up over the torsos, place the legs beneath the torsos, and place the arms, from the "shoulders" and crossed over the body. Lightly spread ketchup over the body to bond the body parts together and keep it nice and moist. Bake @ 350º F until just browned. Use a large pancake turner to remove them so the body parts stay together. I serve FrankenBody Burgers on "coffins" which are just hoagie rolls cut in half - (through the sides so that you have two long halves) toasted lightly and decorated with fried onions around the body (to look like worms :-) You can also decorate them with spicy curly fries (use one as a noose around the "neck") I serve the bodies in the coffins on a platter surrounded by lettuce so it looks like a cemetery. Condiments are served separately. Alternatively, you could make one large FrankenBody... Just make bigger body parts and bake in a large baking pan. For the coffin, slice a loaf of Italian bread decorated as described above	Kitty Litter Casserole You need a oblong baking pan and a brand new kitty litter scoop. Use long grain white rice or wild rice, both look appropriate! I use only long grain rice (wild or regular white depending on my mood at the moment) It's really easy to make good rice without resorting to the "minute" variety. It looks better, tastes better and might be more nutritious since everything isn't cooked off! It's really easy to get perfect rice every time. For added flavor and nutrition, I usually substitute canned chicken or beef broth for water, then I do not add salt or butter/margarine. If you use condensed broth, be sure to dilute it with water. If you use just water, you'll need to add about a quarter teaspoon salt and about a tablespoon of butter or margarine. If the package has directions, use them, otherwise a good ratio is: 1 3/4 cups dry rice to about 2 cups liquid. Combine the and the liquid in an open 2-3 qt pot. Bring it to a boil and stir a couple of times. Cover with a tight fitting lid and reduce the heat to simmer. Cook covered for about 15 minutes. If the liquid isn't absorbed, or, if the rice isn't quite tender add a bit more water, recover and cook for a few minutes more. Prepare rice using beef broth. While that's cooking, brown about a pound of small (finger size) sausage links. When the links are done, set them aside on a plate until the rice is done. Pour off excess grease but leave a little in the pan. When the rice is done, dump it into the fry pan you just used for the sausage... stir it around a bit to absorb the sausage flavor (aka grease, so much for nutrition ;-) Then put the rice in a 11x13 (ish) baking pan, strategically place the kitty droppings (sausage links) and lightly cover with the litter (rice) For optional "Kitty pee's" strategically place a few tablespoonfull dollops of cream of celery soup and cover with "litter" Now, to make this seem realistic, it's crucial you use a litter scoop!
Scoop Away Cake Preheat oven to 350º F and prepare a 9 x 13" cake pan - lightly geased with margarine & lightly dusted with flour. (I've used Baker's Secret vegetable spray -- it has a very fine powder in it, and has no funny taste!) Always cool cakes on a cake rack so they cool evenly. From Scratch: Blend 2 cups of sifted all-purpose flour, 2 teaspoons baking soda, 1 teaspoon cinnamon, 1/2 tsp. nutmeg & 1/2 tsp. salt and set aside. In a larger bowl mix a 16 oz. can pumpkin, 2 cups sugar,1/2 c applesauce (regular or chunky), 1/2 cup milk and 3 eggs until thoroughly blended. Slowly add flour mixture and beat until well blended. Pour into cake pan and bake for approximately 40-45 minutes. When done, a cake will spring back when touched lightly in the center. When the cake is thouroughly cooled, remove it from the pan, wash & dry the pan, then crumble the cake and put it back in the pan. Easy Alternative: a box spice cake, just substitute pumpkin & applesauce to be equivalent to the water called for in the package directions, and add the cinnamon & nutmeg as indicated above. Kitty poos: slices of dried figs, plums, apricots, or prunes strategically placed & covered with "litter" cake Kitty pees: cream cheese frosting - 1 cup 10X sugar, 1/4 cup light cream cheese (softened) 1/4 c margarine (softened) 1-2 tbs milk, 1 tbs pure vanilla extract. Mix ingredients until well blended and smooth. (If necessary, use a bit more milk to make it a bit on the liquid side.) Put teaspoon sized dollops of "pee" around the "litter pan" and cover. Ummmm... Yummmy!!!!	Blood Cake (aka Red Velvet Cake... remember the gross Armadillo cake in the movie Steel Magnolias? This is like that... but we're calling it "blood") Preheat oven to 350º F and prepare (as described for Scoop Away Cake) a 9 x 13" cake pan, two 9" round pans, or use a heart shaped cake pan. You'll have to adjust bake times according to whichever pan you're using. Always cool cakes on a cake rack so they cool evenly. Easy Variety: 1 (2 layer size) box devil's food cake mix ,1/2 cup oil, 1 cup low-fat buttermilk, 5 eggs (or egg beater equivalent) and 2 ounces red food coloring Make and bake the cake according to package directions, substituting the oil, buttermilk, eggs and food coloring listed above for the package direction's ingredients. From scratch: 1) - Sift together 2 tbs cocoa and 2 1/2 cups all purpose flour -- sift a couple of times to blend well, and set aside in a small bowl. In another small bowl cream: 2) - 1/2 cup shortening, and 1 1/2 cup sugar, until light and fluffy, add 2 eggs and beat for about a minute -- till thoroughly blended, add 1 teaspoon of salt and beat well again. In another small bowl, 3) - blend 1 cup buttermilk and a teaspoon of pure vanilla extract, and 4 tbs. red food coloring Alternate adding flour (1) and milk (2) mixture and (3) creamed mixture. Finally, combine soda and vinegar in cup and add to cake batter. This is a very rich and tasty cake; some folks smother it with fluffy white icing. I usually just "dust" it with powdered 10X sugar. With the heart shaped pan, I cut-out a pattern from a "Pumpkin Masters Carving Kit Pattern Book" and just sift the 10X over it to get the design to transfer. Looks nice & tastes great!
The Putrid Pond Is Split pea soup... Rinse 1 pound dried green split peas thoroughly in a colander. Using a large pot (dutch oven) cover the peas with 5-6 cups of water and add about a teaspoon of salt. Bring it to a boil for a few minutes, then turn off the heat and let it stand for about an hour. You don't get to play for this hour... Whilst waiting, dice about a quarter to half pound left-over ham (or dice a ham slice and brown it in a skillet -- if you do this, when the ham is done, rinse the pan with water and dump that into the pea stock) Brown an onion or two and a few diced celery stalks. Add the ham, onion & celery to the pea stock. Return the pot to boiling, then reduce the heat and simmer slowly for an hour or two. You will need to add a can or two of vegetable or chicken stock (College Inn is good) to maintain a decent amount of liquid. Meanwhile, peel the outter layer of a couple few carrots (I don't use that part because it has a sharp bitter taste) then continue peeling the carrots into thin slivers. Peel and dice a couple potatoes. About a half hour before serving, add the potatoes and carrots. Continue simmering unitl the soup is souper!	The Ectoplasmic Pond You'll need Lime Jello, Kiwi fruit slices & seedless grapes. For this one I use my Deviled egg dish, it's got little scooped edges that hold the Kiwi slices very nicely, then I put grape halves and chunks of peaches in the center. Make up a large box of lime or orange jello, following package directions, (I use boiling apple juice instead of water!) Pour the jello into a shallow oval dish or cookie pan (has to have at least a 1/2 inch deep edge) and chill partially... then add kiwi fruit (don't forget to gently peel the rough fuzzy outter edge) and cut the slices -- looks like eerie "eyes" and place them around the edge. Add grape halves to the center area, cut side up and place slivers of marachino cherries in the center of the grape. Once the jello sets you can "float" marshmallow "ghosts" over the pond. Use tiny drops of dark color cake decoration icing (the kind you use to write names with) to give the ghosts eyes and a mouth. Another optical option: Put the kiwi fruit slices or grapes in round ice cube trays and cover with the jello and chill.

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