REMARKABLE QUOTES FROM REMARKABLE JEWS

 

"Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call." Richard Lewis

"My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada." David Steinberg

"I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . .they have no holidays."  Henny Youngman

"Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, G-d designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast-beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one."  Mel Brooks

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish. Jules Farber

"Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish." Lenny Bruce

"Humility is no substitute for a good personality." Fran Lebowitz

"My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me." Benjamin Disraeali

"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it." Sam Levenson

"G-d will pardon me. It's His business." Heinrich Heine

"I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and In fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks."  Joe E. Lewis

"Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors." Sam Goldwyn

"Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money" Arthur Miller

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something." Jackie Mason

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying." Woody Allen

"Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy." Groucho Marx

"Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen." Mort Sahl

"Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done." Ernie Kovacs

"When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault." Henry Kissinger

"The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." Calvin Trillin

 

 

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