Empty Soul

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" rowspan="2" width=210 BGCOLOR="#9999FF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="06a76ba3.gif"> <div> <B>THE POWER INSIDE OF ME - vocal: Richard Marx</B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="30d6e720.gif" border=0 width="110" height="114" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"> </B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>Seek and you shall find what you may already have.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>Sometimes it's your own shadow standing in your path.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>I have spent my life with a vision of myself,</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>But I may have been somebody, somebody else.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>I feel a change in the tide</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>As I hold my heart open wide.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>Never</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>Knew what I could be.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>I never felt the power inside of me.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>Now I stand in all the wonder</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>That the mirror couldn't see.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>I have the power inside of me, yeah.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>I have the power inside of me.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>Every time I held a rose, I only felt the thorns.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>I feel like today's the day I finally was born.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>Now that I see me through these eyes,</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>I can do more than fantasize.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>Never</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>Knew what I could be.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>I never felt the power inside of me.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>Now I stand in all the wonder</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>That the mirror couldn't see!</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>I have the power inside of me, oh woah.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>Inside of me,</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>Inside of me!</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>Yeah.</B></div> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=90 BGCOLOR="#99CCFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="06b76bc1egdyqn.gif"> <div> <B>" You cannot plan the future by the past."</B></div> <div> <B>Edmund Burke</B></div> <div> <B>Back to   </B><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Home"><U><B>home</B></U></A><B>        </B><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#CC0000" FACE="Times New Roman" ><B> </B></FONT><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#000033" FACE="Times New Roman" ><B>See list  on  bottom of  pages for the rest of my story.</B></FONT></div> <div> <B>  </B></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" height=390 colspan=2 BGCOLOR="#99CCFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="06b76ba3.gif"> <div> Empty Soul</div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="3c53f0a0.gif" border=0 width="575" height="10" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="6742d2d0.gif" border=0 width="45" height="45" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"><IMG SRC="6742d2d0.gif" border=0 width="45" height="45" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"><IMG SRC="6742d2d0.gif" border=0 width="45" height="45" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"><IMG SRC="6742d2d0.gif" border=0 width="45" height="45" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B><B><IMG SRC="6742d2d0.gif" border=0 width="45" height="45" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B><B><IMG SRC="6742d2d0.gif" border=0 width="45" height="45" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B><B><IMG SRC="6742d2d0.gif" border=0 width="45" height="45" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B><B><IMG SRC="6742d2d0.gif" border=0 width="45" height="45" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B><B><IMG SRC="6742d2d0.gif" border=0 width="45" height="45" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B><B><IMG SRC="6742d2d0.gif" border=0 width="45" height="45" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B>1964</B></div> <div> <B><U>DNA ..YOU CAN'T ADOPT  IT !</U></B></div> <div> <B>Empty Arms - Empty Soul</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="1e64d640.gif" border=0 width="77" height="100" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"><IMG SRC="1e64d640.gif" border=0 width="77" height="100" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"><IMG SRC="1e64d640.gif" border=0 width="77" height="100" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"><IMG SRC="1e64d640.gif" border=0 width="77" height="100" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"><IMG SRC="1e64d640.gif" border=0 width="77" height="100" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"><IMG SRC="1e64d640.gif" border=0 width="77" height="100" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <div> <B>The ride home from Booth Memorial Hospital for Unwed Mothers felt like someone had cut my soul and heart out. The silence was loud and piercing. I wanted my mother to hold me. I wanted her to let me cry. I wanted her to say anything something. I wanted to talk about MY BABY. My beautiful Yetenna. But like always NOTHING.</B></div> <div> <B> </B></div> <div> <B>The rules were the same as always. Don't talk, don't need, don't ask, don't feel, don't do ANYTHING to make THEIR lives uncomfortable. Just play the game the loosing game of being someone THEY needed me to be. I hated her. I hated her mother. I hated life. Was life worth living anymore? I felt I had tried and tried to be what (They) all wanted all my life. Who ever they all were. I just knew I would never measure up to what THEY wanted me to be. Something was always missing. (ME) Who was I anyway???? </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I sat in my room and cried ALONE again. The door was shut. Funny, but when I look back the DOORS were always shut. An open door would have given me life and hope but they were always shut. People were there but I was alone. I sobbed and sobbed in deep grief for my child. No comfort, no love, no anything but words of shame. My mother walked by my door and would knock on it and tell me to stop crying and think of it like it was surgery and it would go away. I hated those words.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>My Yetenna was a human being, a child, my child and I was grieving loosing her. What does someone say when all of hope has been ripped away from him or her? They don't say anything. They set in silence and withdraw into all the hurts and losses they have ever felt. They block everything out and just exist. That is what I did. I went into an eating disorder to clam the rage I could not express or talk about. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>The one person that probably saved me was my </B><FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#FF00CC" FACE="Blackadder ITC" ><I><B><U>Aunt Jorja, </U></B></I></FONT><B>she had just had a little girl.( Lori) I held her and rocked her as much as I could to help the loss and loneliness and grief that I felt for my Tina. Aunt Jorja had just married into the family. Thank God for her or I would have died totally emotionally. She gave me some time to feel and talk. Thank you my sweet aunt for caring and all the times of love and support you have given me. I will always be grateful for you my aunt Jorja. </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I went to school I hated it there. When I was home I hated it there too. No matter where I was at I did not want to be there. I wanted to be someplace else. It was at this time that I begged to see my Tina. But I was told I had no rights. So what was new. I did have a counselor who kept me posted on Tina's health. </B><FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#660000" FACE="Blackadder ITC" ><B>(*My mother never new this woman helped me to stay somewhat sane.*) </B></FONT></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B><IMG SRC="09187870.jpg" border=0 width="135" height="135" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="3c53f0a0.gif" border=0 width="575" height="10" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>My Guest book</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I invite each of you to sign my guest book.</B></div> <div> <B>or send me an E-mail </B></div> <div> <B>I would like to know what you are thinking,</B></div> <div> <B>how my web site affected you, </B></div> <div> <B>what you felt when you read MY STORY, </B></div> <div> <B>and any additional comments you may have. </B></div> <div> <B>Thank you, Ginger </B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="3c53f0a0.gif" border=0 width="575" height="10" ALIGN="BOTTOM" 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