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NATE ON A BOAT
The Beginning!
Our saga begins in a sleepy American town. A place that is a lot like
the town you or I might live in. Its name isn't important; we won't be here
long. But it is a sleepy backwoods American town. The kind of place people
go to settle down.
This story concerns one Nate. No relation to the author (well, maybe
a little). Nate is your basic up and coming twenty-year-old. He stands a
towering six foot four! And, weighing in at a mere 150 lbs, Nate could be
called `skinny.'
Nate is indeed in the prime of his life. His head sports a thick
black mane of long curly hair. His face is always clean shaven, but never
sports a smile.
Nate works to save money for college; but he just can never save it.
Let's look in on Nate as his job...
"Want fries with that?"
"Um..." The dorky guy in the suit looked over the menu above the
counter, as though it would help him answer a simple yes-no question. "Yes."
Nate leaned towards the microphone by the cash register, and resisted
the urge to rip it out and bludgeon his hapless customer with it. "Fries."
He said in the dull monotone voice that life had forced him to adopt by
never letting him do anything fun and making him wear a hairnet.
Nate sat silently for a moment and blinked. He blinked again. Three
blinks later, he said: "Oh. Six fifty four, please."
Nate took the man's money, and was carefully sorting it into the cash
register when someone shouted from the back: "What kind of fries?"
Nate leaned towards the microphone again, resisting the same urge.
"The potatoes, that look like rectangle sticks." It was no wonder Nate was
the manager. He had to tell these guys everything.
Nate resumed blinking at his customer.
After the floor was mopped, the fry grease was thrown out, and work
was closed for the evening, little entertainment presented itself to Nate.
There was always cable, but even 50+ channels got boring when there was no
hard core nudity or old Jackie Chan movies on.
As Nate sat in his chair, flipping between the seventeen sports
channels that always seemed to feature either golf or tennis, a singularly
unusual even occurred. The phone rang.
The ringing in itself was not unusual. Often, too often, a potential
date for his mother would call. Nate had no idea what his mother could see
in these men, or them in his forty-five year old mother.
Nate held the phone to his ear, while comparing FX to FX2. "Look,
Charolette is not here. She's on a date."
Then, the singularly unusual event happened. "Nate?"
It was for him.
"Bobby?" Nate's odd cousin, and the only other family member in the
area. Bobby had some kind of cushy teaching job, and did something with
computers and something...
"It's me." The man certainly didn't sound like a would be suitor.
"How are you?"
"A good word for it would be bored. Depressed would even do, in a
pinch."
"Well...I was thinking of taking in a movie, and wondered if you
wanted to go."
Nate thought back, accessed his memories of Bobby. "Don't you have a
woman to go with you to the movie?" Nate tried not to let the jealousy
pervade his voice; he had never had a girlfriend, only a few sympathy dates.
And with no education or money, it was likely that this condition would
continue for some time.
"Wanda is out of town." Of course. Made perfect sense. He's looking
for a poor substitute for his girl. "She probably won't be back until
tomorrow. And I have tickets. Showgirls 2!"
Nate sighed. It would probably do him good to get out of the house.
And, while he might miss some nudity on TV, odds are it would be less than
he'd get with Showgirls 2. "I'll buy the drinks." Nate said.
"Ok. Never take me to the movies again."
"Geez. Sorry!" Bobby said. "I didn't know that it was called
Showgirls 2: Showguys!"
The men were walking home from the movies. Three years his senior,
Bobby stood half a foot shorter than Nate, but sported the same curly dark
hair, though shorter.
"I never thought there could be a movie worse than Showgirls."
Showgirls had Nate swearing off all nudity for a month. "If I ever get a
hold of that writer..."
"It's a shame, really. He does such good B-movies. Ever seen Chained
Heat?"
Only about ten million times, with heavy usage of the VCR's slo-mo
button. "No."
"You'd like it."
Nate was about to ask him what that meant, but he was interrupted
by a collision.
"Oh, I beg your pardon. Let me help you up, Nate."
"Who are you?" Nate asked, accepting the grey bearded man's hand, and
struggling to his feet. "How did you get to be so stout?"
Bobby smiled. This stranger had managed to remove the constant
deadpan tone from Nate's voice.
He looked a lot like Gandalf, from Tolkien's novels. "Indeed I do.
In quite a variety of ways."
"Like?"
"Well, Mr-"
"Nate."
"Well, Nate. I know that you are in need. Of friends, excitement,
romance, travel..."
"Who isn't?" Nate said, somewhat smugly. Despite the unnerving
qualities of the old man in the brown robe, Nate was smirking
uncontrollably. This was the time of his life.
"Indeed. But, you are separated from others."
"My good looks and charming personality?"
"No...though it is good to see you smile again."
"I think we need to go." Bobby said, behaving ever so much like a
mother hen, and tugging at the back of Nate's shirt.
"I think we need to stay." Nate said, shaking free of Bobby's grip.
"Old nameless man..."
"Gan."
"Gan. I am intrigued. You seem to know much about me, and I but
little about you. Please fill me in."
"Shall we do it while we walk?" Gan asked, indicating a direction
that was not quite the path they were on before. "A little sea air will do
you good."
"Let's. But you have to promise to tell me all about yourself." Nate
followed the old man.
"Indeed. I was born long ago, in what seems now like a different
world."
"Bobby! Come on! Let's go!" Nate shouted back at the man, who hadn't
left the spot where they first ran into Gan.
Bobby shook his head and followed.
"My life was rich, and full. I lived a good life, much as you do."
"You call ten hours a day in a fast food joint and a broken home a
good life?"
"I speak not of quality, but of morals."
It was true. Nate lived a good life. He never put himself first,
lived by the strict moral code presented by certain sections of the Gideon
Bible he carried with him, and tried his very hardest not to hurt a single
living creature.
"You flatter me." Nate looked at the mud-like dirt that they were
strolling through.
"He's not leaving footprints." Bobby whispered, from behind Nate.
"I noticed." Nate said.
"Your good deeds have not gone unnoticed." Gan cut a sharp left. Nate
noticed that he was moving fairly rapidly for an old coot. "And now, they
will no longer go unrecorded."
"We going for an oceanside stroll?" Bobby asked. Visibility was
reduced, thanks to fog, but Nate noticed just a hint of sea air, and could
hear something like waves against the shore.
"You are to be rewarded for your deeds." The old man repeated.
"Like, how?"
"Like that." The fog parted briefly, as if on cue. Tied to the dock
was a wooden boat that looked like a gondola.
"A replica of the boat from Gargoyles!" Nate ran to jump in, but
Bobby held him back.
"Not just." Gan smiled at Nate's joy. "A magic boat. Simply think
about where you want to go, row straight ahead, and you'll be there.
Eventually."
"Color me skeptical," Bobby said, "but I don't trust it. I need to
know how it works."
"Magic, my boy! Pure and simple!" Gan started walking away.
It was Nate's turn to grab Gan's arm. "Not good enough. The prude is
right. I need to know before I risk my life."
Gan stopped, and smiled a faint but coy smile. "A spirit. One that
was not good enough to earn its way into heaven. This is its penance."
"Purgatory type penance, or Inferno type?" Nate didn't want an evil
soul ferrying him across the water.
"You believe too literally in Dante's Inferno." The bearded man
smiled.
"That's not an answer!" Nate attempted to jerk the man towards him,
but Gan was gone. "Well...how `bout that?"
"I don't trust it. Let's go."
"Yes. Let's." Nate jumped into the boat.
"Nate!"
Nate put the long rowing stick into the water. "I think..." He said,
his mood darkening considerably, "one thing I've always wanted, is to see
where my father died. Where he is now."
Nate spoke more to the sky than the boat. "I always wanted to know." He
added.
Nate pushed away from the dock, towards the foggy night. Bobby
started to turn away, then shook his head, and ran to the end of the pier.
"Hey."
Nate stopped. "Yes?"
"Room for one more?"
An undetermined time later, the fog parted, as it did when Gan
revealed the boat. A shore lay ahead.
"That is not the other end of the lake." Bobby said.
"Wow." Nate said. They moored, and pulled the boat up to shore. "next
stop, waterproof shoes."
They squished up a small hill. Nate reached it first, and signaled
serenely to Bobby.
When Bobby reached the top of the hill, he was almost convinced that
the boat really was magic.
"This must be the place."
Nate nodded, and squished down the hill.
Bobby had the good sense to stay at the top of the hill; this was
Nate's time.
The jungle around them was thick; Not a pleasant place for a war at
all. Wars were never fought in tolerable conditions. That fact made the
whole concept bleak.
That, and the deaths.
Nate had heard of the strategy. When the enemy would be stationed
behind bunkers, the strategy of choice would sometimes be to simply charge
in. Many could and would die, but the sacrifice would be considered
necessary and heroic. From the bunkers on the hill, Nate considered that
this was probably how his father died; securing some godforsaken tract of
land in the middle of nowhere. For his country. A stupid way to go.
A short walk later, Nate saw the pile of bodies. After all this time,
it was hardly what could be qualified as bodies. The wear from decades of
decay had left what had once been proud living Americans, fighting on behalf
of their country, little more than moldy skeletons.
Why weren't they buried properly? Perhaps the good guys had lost the
fight, had to pull out; unable to secure the area. Nate jaded himself for
thinking such stupid thoughts.
He fell to his knees. It seemed the right thing to do. "Dad," he
started, "It's me. I'm sorry I never knew you. I'm sorry you died. This
is...it's hard. I'm sorry."
Nate stood and returned to the hill.
Their exit was just as mysterious as their entrance. As the men
pushed through the water, Bobby seemed distracted.
"What?"
"Payphone." Bobby said. "Maybe we ought to give your mother a call?"
"Sure. Maybe you should call your live in wife like girl appendage?"
"Huh?"
"Wanda? The redhead you life with? Does that trick with her hands,
but for some reason never for me?"
"A simple `Wanda' would have sufficed."
Nate called first. "Mom?"
"What is it, honey?" His mom seemed annoyed.
"I...have a new job."
"That's nice. Anything else?"
"I may not be home for a while."
"Well...fine then. Whenever is good. Bye."
Nate hung up the phone. "She was thrilled."
It was Bobby's turn. Bobby's call was a tad angrier, and ended with
him slamming the receiver. "Wanda is...let's go." He said.
Nate smiled.
"Have you decided where we're going next?" Bobby asked, as they
pushed the boat out of the reeds.
"I dunno..." Nate said. "Somewhere exciting, maybe. There is, after
all, a whole world out there..."
THE BEGINNING!
**************************************
THE GREAT MST3K CROSSOVER!
Episode 1, THE DARK ONE
Part 1
{Satellite of Love. Mike is behind the desk thing, facing the camera}
MIKE: Hi, everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson, and
I'm sitting around, waiting for...
{TOM and CROW enter}
TOM: Hi, Mike.
CROW: Guess what!
MIKE: You finally managed to get the colonel's secret recipe?
TOM: Nope.
MIKE: You figured out if a Zebra is black with white stripes or white with
black stripes?
CROW: Uh-uh.
MIKE: You have found the secret of Tim Allen's popularity?
TOM: No! Mike!
MIKE: Ok. I give up. What?
CROW: Well, my first script, Earth vs Soup, was such a big success that I
decided to write another. It's called...drumroll, Cambot.
{Cambot plays a drumroll}
MIKE: Drumroll Cambot? What a stupid nam-oh.
CROW: ..."Space Boat!"
MIKE: Space Boat?
CROW: Yup. I'm selling it as a pilot, and hopefully we will get picked up as
a series!
MIKE: I'm...happy for you. Oh, look. Commercial sign.
TOM: There's something else. Commere.
{The trio huddles in the corner, and they cut to commercial}
{Back to the show. Instead of the SoL, We see fog. Lots of it. Thick fog.
Through the fog slices a wooden gondola type boat, rowed by a man in his
very early twenties. In the front of the boat is a younger man, maybe 15.
the older one is Nate, the younger is Bob.}
NATE: Well, here we are on our magic boat.
BOB: I know where we are, Nate.
NATE: Yup. This magic boat, given to us by a strange old man, will take us
anywhere we want to go. All we have to do is tell it where to take us.
BOB: I know all this. Nate, who are you talking to?
NATE: Nobody. Just getting some exposition in. Where would you like to go?
BOB: I don't care. Anywhere.
NATE: Think about it, then.
{The boat continues its slow course through the fog}
{Satellite of love. Mike, Crow and Tom are standing around looking innocent.
The red light starts flashing.}
MIKE: Ready, guys?
{The `bots nod. Mike hits it}
{Deep 13}
DrForrester: Ah, Mike. Little robots. What are we up to today?
{SoL}
MIKE: Crow wrote another script. We're sending it down. Take a look.
{D13}
DrForrester: Mother has it. We'll let you know if we can sell it.
{SoL}
CROW: Oh, we've already sold it. We just wanted to know if you would come
up, and give us some input?
MIKE: It would mean a lot...
{D13}
DrForrester: Well...
{SoL}
TOM: We have free buffet...!
{D13}
DrForrester: Free food? Just give us time to catch a shuttle up there. In
the meantime, you can suffer to the tune of this week's experiment:
Highlander 3.
{SoL}
MIKE: Cool. We can handle it.
{D13}
DrF: Did I say three? I meant two. Have fun!
{SoL. Lights start blinking}
MIKE: Nooo! And Movie sign!
{The trio scatter, and Cambot begins his trip through that pointless door
sequence}
{Back to Nate and Bob, on the boat}
NATE: I know!
BOB: Me, too!
NATE: What?
BOB: You, first.
NATE: I want to go meet the cast of that infinitely popular TV show, Mystery
Science Theater 3000. What do you want?
BOB: I want to equip the boat with rocket thrusters, so we can get places
faster.
NATE: Go to your room.
BOB: This is a gondola. I don't have a room.
NATE: Go sit in the corner.
BOB: This is a boat. There are no corners. Can we have rockets, now?
NATE: Ask your mother.
BOB: But...
{Back on the SoL. It is time for the first half-hour host segment}
TOM: We should have done this last time.
MIKE: Well, here's hoping we get it right. You ready, Gypsy?
GYPSY: {Off screen} Roger!
CROW: They're coming! Act excited!
{DrForrester and his momma appear}
DrF: Hello, Joel.
MIKE: Mike.
DrF: Whatever. Where's the buffet?
MIKE: Well, let me start you off with a KNUCKLE SANDWICH!
{Mike knocks Dr Forrester out. Gypsy slinks up behind Ms Forrester, and
bites her head}
MsForrester: Help! Clayton! Clayton! Help!
MIKE: Go for the shuttle, guys. Quick! You too, Cambot!
MsF: Clayton Deborah Susan Forrester! Get me out of here! It's dark, and it
smells bad.
MIKE: Let her go, Gypsy, and run for the shuttle!
{The Boat slices through the last of the fog, signaling the end of their
journey.}
BOB: Where are we?
NATE: Looks like nowhere.
{Nate and Bob look around. There is nothing but water and blue sky, as far
as the eye can see.}
{Shuttle. Tom is steering.}
GYPSY: I am NEVER gonna get that taste out of my mouth. More mints!
{Mike pours more after dinner mints down Gypsy's throat}
MIKE: How are we doing, Tom?
TOM: Well, we are going towards Earth.
MIKE: Great!
TOM: But I don't have any control over the ship.
MIKE: What?
CROW: You said you could fly this thing!
TOM: Well, it looks so easy on Babylon 5.
CROW: We're gonna crash, burn and die!
TOM: No. We're not!
MIKE: No?
TOM: We are on a direct course for the Atlantic ocean. We'll crash, drown
and die, not burn and die.
CROW: Oh, big difference.
MIKE: Brace for impact!
{The shuttle hits with a giant splash, and much shaking}
MIKE: Is everyone all right?
BOTS: Yes.
CROW: We're leaking.
MIKE: Crow, I told you to keep your bodily...oh! The ship! Where's the exit?
{The crew looks around. Suddenly, sunlight pours into the shuttle, as a door
is thrown open with a slam. A shadowy figure can be seen in the doorway}
VOICE: You darn near capsized our boat! I ought to-
{The shadowy figure jumps into the shuttle. It is Nate (big surprise)}
NATE: Hey! You guys are from Mystery Science Theatre 3000! Cool!
CROW: Mystery Science what?
NATE: {shaking Mike's hand} I'm your biggest fan.
TOM: Oh, yeah? What's your fan club number?
NATE: (proudly) 66129.
{The crew snickers}
GYPSY: You call yourself a fan?
CROW: With a 5-digit fan club number?
NATE: Well, I kind of...I mean, I spend my nights on-
MIKE: Could you get us out of here?
NATE: Sure. I have a boat. Please follow.
{Nate leads the others out of the shuttle}
{The boat. All 5 people from the Satellite of Love, and Nate and Bob are
crowded on it. Everyone is talking at once}
MIKE: Who's on my foot?
TOM: You couldn't afford a bigger boat?
GYPSY: Me; sorry.
NATE: Hey, no arms, it's magic, ok?
BOB: I hit my head on Cambot! Can't he hover any higher?
TOM: I have arms! It's not my fault they don't work!
CROW: I have to go.
NATE: Quiet! QUIET! Anyone have a particular destination in mind?
MIKE: I'm sorry?
NATE: This boat can take us anywhere.
GYPSY: Joel! I wanna see Joel.
NATE: Fine. Boat, take us to Joel Robinson, wherever he may be.
{The fog enshrouds them again, as Nate rows forward}
CROW: Get your toe out of my ear!
MIKE: Sorry.
{The mist parts again, after some time. A dock can be seen. A man in a hat
is standing on it.}
GYPSY: Joel?
MAN: G'day, mates. That's some boat y'got there.
NATE: Thanks. It's magic.
MIKE: It sure is. We started in the Atlantic ocean, now we're in Australia!
BOB: You get used to it.
{The crew disembark}
CROW: Will the boat be safe while we look for Joel?
NATE: Of course. It's magic.
{The crew walks down the street. Tom is carried by Bob}
TOM: So, this is earth? I don't like it.
CROW: I don't know...when are we gonna find Joel?
NATE: Beats me. He must be close by, or the boat wouldn't have brought us
here.
CROW: Look!
{The crew sees a poster stuck to a brick wall. Dead center is a picture of
Joel}
MIKE: He's here.
NATE: He's a stand up comic.
{Everyone shivers}
GYPSY: Joel!
TOM: {reading the poster} He's appearing at the Mahanara Comedy Club...
{everyone shivers}
TOM: On the seventeenth!
NATE: That's...{checks his $3 digital watch} Yesterday.
{The crew moans in disbelief}
NATE: I know how to find him!
{The crew perks up}
NATE: We will split up. You guys go to the Mahanara Club, and see what you
can find out. I will check out that strip club we passed a few blocks
back.
MIKE: Huh?
NATE: Bye! {Nate runs off}
BOB: It's for the best. Trust me.
CROW: I don't get it.
BOB: Nate is a little girl crazy. Drives everyone nuts.
{Comedy club. The crew approaches the door}
MIKE: {to guy at door} Excuse us. We are looking for Joel Robinson. He did
some stand up here?
GUY: Yeah. Well, he got into a fight backstage, and never went on.
GYPSY: A fight?
GUY: Yeah, beat up Gallager. The dork deserved it, anyhow.
BOB: Do you know where he is now?
GUY: The old man might know. {He points to an old man sitting alone on
stage}
BOB: Thank you.
{The crew approaches the old man}
TOM: {whispers} It's the old guy from Santa Conquers the Martians!
CROW: Shhhh!
OLD MAN: Yes, I am he. What brings you here?
MIKE: We are looking for our friend, Joel Robinson.
OLD MAN: Yes...a fine man, but a sad one. He is missing something.
BOB: He misses you guys!
TOM: Duh!
OLD MAN: Do you have any Murder She Wrote videos, or Matlock?
MIKE: We could find some, if you can tell us where Joel is.
OLD MAN: He is...is...gone to the...
{the man explodes}
CROW: Ew.
TOM: That's intestinal gasses for ya.
BOB: Coke and pop rocks will get ya every time.
MIKE: Good one!
BOB: Thanks.
GYPSY: Now what?
VOICE: Now, FREEZE!
{The crew turn around. Several guys with guns have surrounded them}
MIKE: Who are you guys?
GOON: We have been sent...by "The Dark One!"
CROW: No need to get ethnic on us.
{Meanwhile, Nate has entered the strip club}
BOUNCER:Ticket.
NATE: Nekkid.
BOUNCER:The next show is in three minutes. We have a two drink minimum.
NATE: Nekkid.
BOUNCER:But, it seems you've already reached your limit.
NATE: Nekkid.
{the bouncer waves Nate in. The place in empty. Nate takes a seat front row,
center.}
NATE: Nekkid!
{A voice comes from a speaker system}
VOICE: Presenting, for one show only! The one, the only..."The Dark One!"
NATE: No need to get ethnic! I mean...Nekkid!
{The dark one appears on stage. Nate gasps!}
NATE: You!
DarkOne: Yes.
NATE: I suppose this means that show is over?
{The Evil One is Nuveena, dressed in black, instead of white}
DarkOne: On the contrary. It's only just beginning.
TO BE CONTINUED!
Next: Dark Nuveena's plan is revealed! The story concludes! It might even be
funny! (though I wouldn't hold my breath)
Episode 1, THE DARK ONE
Part 2
{The familiar blue background of the Mystery Science Theater Hour's bumpers
appears, accompanied by the haunting yet lovely MSTH theme music.
Mike/Jack Perkins' silhouette can be seen, holding something in his hands.
Finally the music ceases, and the lights come up on the set. Jack is
holding a small replica of the magic wooden gondola from part one}
JACK: Greetings and welcome, loyal fans of Mystery Science Theater! Today's
audio-visual cuisine will tempt and delight you, without any excess fat or
sodium! I kid, of course. Today, part two of "The Dark One!" But first,
lets recap part one, shall we?
{A montage of clips fly past during Jack's insip-er, wonderful recap}
JACK: The crew of the much beloved Satellite of Love finally formulated a
plan with which to escape their captivity.
{Crow holding up a script for "Space Boat", and the guys on the SoL in a
huddle}
JACK: DrForrester, having an off day, is all too eager to fall for the plan,
and after a brief altercation, our heroes escaped!
{DrForrester in Deep 13, and on the SoL getting punched by Mike. The crew in
the escape shuttle}
JACK: Meanwhile, on earth, The young and dashing Nate, who has paid me to
include the words: Handsome, nice, loaded, and available, and his hearty
companion and sibling Bob are traveling the waters of the mighty oceans on
an enchanted ferry!
{Nate and Bob on a boat}
JACK: The two groups meet, and at the bots' request, travel to Australia in
search of their long lost creator, Joel.
{Everyone crowded on the boat. Nate rows, and they arrive in Australia}
JACK The group splits up. One group goes to a comedy club, and receives
little advice from an old man, before being held at gunpoint!
{The comedy club, the old man, and several men with heavy machine guns}
JACK: Meanwhile, Nate (handsome, nice, loaded, available) checks out a local
boob-a-rama, but finds that Dark Nuveena, the headliner act, is more
concerned with doing evil than removing her garments in a provocative
manner.
{The strip club, and Nuveena standing over Nate}
JACK: And now, the meandering conclusion of "The Dark One!" Enjoy!
{The strip club. Nate is still in his chair, expecting a show. Dark Nuveena
(like Nuveena, except dressed in black) is standing on stage above him,
laughing like a maniac. After a few moments, Nate raises his hand, and
snaps his fingers, to get Nuveena's attention. She stops laughing.}
NUVEENA: What?
NATE: Are you almost done with that laughter? It is good for the spirit, but
your laugh is just ANNOYING like you wouldn't believe!
NUVEENA: Fine. I'm done, then. Happy?
NATE: Yes, thank you very much. Now, I have but one question for you. May I
ask it?
NUVEENA: Yes. That's your one question. Back to the laughter.
NATE: Wait! May I ask you Three questions?
NUVEENA: Whatever. Just hurry up. I don't have all day.
NATE: My third question is: is there going to be any nudity here? Like, in
the near future.
NUVEENA: No. Well, very possibly some male nudity.
NATE: You ARE evil! But, since there's no chance of any FEMALE
nudity, I'll just be on my way. Like you, I am not made of time, though
that would be cool. Good day.
{Nate stands to leave. Behind him are several machine gun toting goons}
NATE: Or, I could stay. This is a nice place. Haven't reached my two drink
minimum, either.
{Nuveena resumes her evil laughter}
{Cut to the comedy club. The rest if the gang (Cambot, Mike, Gypsy, Bob,
Tom, and Crow) are on stage. The audience contains several dozen gunmen.}
BOB: Quick! Someone say something funny; distract them.
TOM: We can't just come up with funny stuff at the drop of a hat! What are
we, comical demigods?
MIKE: Well, maybe a genius, not really a demigod...
CROW: Yeah, we usually have a gang of writers.
GOON: Stop whispering!
BOB: Do I have to do EVERYTHING myself? Look! Haley's comet!
GOON: Where? {All the goons look}
BOB: There. Everyone out the back.
{The gang leaves via backstage}
{Outside. The gang is walking down the street.}
BOB: That was fun.
GYPSY: What about Joel?
CROW: That's right. Mike, what do we do?
MIKE: I dunno. Maybe a clue will just fall into our laps.
{Mike runs face first into a phone booth. Unable to stop in time, each of
the others runs into the person in front of them, and all end up in a heap
on the ground}
BOB: A phone booth! We can look Joel up in the directory!
MIKE: I said drop it in our laps, not ram it into us!
{Heh-heh}
{Tom and Crow run for the directory, while The others struggle to their
feet.}
MIKE: Any luck?
CROW: Give us a minute!
TOM: Here! His address!
{Bob rips the page out}
BOB: Let's roll.
MIKE: Hey! What if someone needs that page?
BOB: For what?
MIKE: I dunno...to look up {checks page} Donna Roberts' phone number?
BOB: Don't be an idiot, Mike. Let's get to the map store. {They walk off}
{A man holding a bouquet of flowers runs into the booth behind them, and
frantically flips through the phone book}
MAN: Oh, no! The page with Donna Roberts' phone number is missing! I'll
never be able to call and ask her out! Life isn't worth living! {The man
throws himself into traffic}
{Back at the strip club. Nate is still sitting in his seat. Nuveena is still
on stage.}
NUVEENA: Are you the least bit curious why you are here, and still alive?
NATE: Nope.
NUVEENA: I need someone to gloat to!
NATE: That's fine by me. I promise to hear your stupid gloating with an open
mind and give you my support and respect.
NUVEENA: That's all I ask.
NATE: That's all you're getting. {A few uncomfortable moments of silence}
So, why me?
NUVEENA: It was either you, or Joel Robinson. And I couldn't find him.
NATE: Did you try a phone book?
NUVEENA: Of course! Goons, bring me a phone book!
NATE: D'oh! {Nate palm to forehead's, and shakes his head}
{The gang are still walking. They approach a large but plain apartment
building.}
MIKE: We're here!
GYPSY: Joel!
BOB: Check the mail boxes, we'll get a room number.
{They check the boxes}
GYPSY: J. Robinson! 512!
MIKE: Let's-
TOM: Hide! {Tom swerves around the corner}
BOB: What?
{Two goons are approaching. The gang follow Tom}
MIKE: They're gone. Now what?
CROW: Scream?
MIKE: Good! Joel!
EVERYONE: Joel! {repeat ad nauseum}
MIKE: No good.
BOB: Cambot! Go up there, and get his attention!
{Cambot nods, and floats up to the fifth floor. He looks in a few windows,
then stops at one. After a moment, he floats back down, and shakes his
head}
CROW: Joel must not have recognized him.
TOM: Dosen't he watch our show? Talk about unappreciative.
GYPSY: They're coming!
{Two goons escort Joel out at gunpoint. They get in a car.}
MIKE: We have to follow them!
BOB: We'll steal a car. {He runs for a red Viper}
CROW: Wait! I hate red!
{Bob goes for the car next to it, a yellow Ford LTD}
TOM: I'm boycotting Ford!
{Bob goes for a minivan}
MIKE: We need something with more pickup, for a car chase!
{Bob stops in front of a blue car}
BOB: Look! We're taking this car! I don't care if you are allergic to the
seat covers, or that it gets lousy mileage, or that the owner is an 8 foot
man named Bub! WE ARE TAKING THIS CAR!!!
MIKE: Ok. No need to shout.
BOB: You'll have to drive. I'm not legal.
MIKE: Like that matters in a stolen car.
{The gang piles in. Mike, Bob and Crow are in front. Tom, Gypsy and Cambot
are in back.}
GYPSY: Are we there yet?
MIKE: We haven't even left!
TOM: Gypsy's kicking me!
GYPSY: Am not!
MIKE: Don't make me turn this car around!
{Mike hotwires the car in three seconds flat}
BOB: Where'd you learn that?
MIKE: Juvenile hall. {The gang looks at him with shock and horror} It was a
bum rap!
{The blue car takes off in hot pursuit of the Goon's car}
CROW: I see them!
MIKE: Hang on!
{The car turns a corner, and ends up in bumper to bumper traffic}
TOM: This is not how I imagined my first chase scene.
{Back in the strip club}
NUVEENA: My plan is going perfectly!
NATE: Yes, what is that plan, exactly? What are you doing?
NUVEENA: Taking over the world.
NATE: Uh...Um, why?
NUVEENA: So I can have stuff! Lots and lots of stuff!
NATE: How...shallow.
NUVEENA: Thank you. Aren't you going to ask me how I plan on taking over the
world?
NATE: Well, not really-
NUVEENA: Glad you asked. I'm going to use THIS! {She points to a tarp on
stage} Aren't you dying to know what it is?
NATE: No. I looked at it while you were in the bathroom.
NUVEENA: Well...here it is! {she removes the tarp, revealing a laser, like
the one from Danger: Death Ray}
NATE: Bahp-a-dahp-a-dahb-a!
NUVEENA: Why are you singing?
NATE: No reason.
NUVEENA: Well, now you can see the true horror of the Death Ray in action!
Boys!
{Two goons bring out a thin piece of steel}
NUVEENA: An inch of steel! Watch the Death Ray make mincemeat of it!
{Nuveena activates the ray}
{Back in the car. The gang is starting to look bored}
BOB: That's it. They're two cars away! We aren't moving! I'm just going over
there, and getting Joel.
{Bob gets out of the car. The moment he does, traffic starts moving again}
CROW: Get in! We're losing them!
TOM: Ya maroon!
BOB: I should have done that half an hour ago!
{The cars zip down the now all but deserted road. The Goon car's window is
rolled down, and a gun is pointed out}
MIKE: Hit the dirt! {Everyone ducks, and bullets assail the car}
BOB: Get us up next to them! I have a plan!
{Mike hits the gas. They catch up}
GYPSY: He's not in there!
MIKE: He must have gotten free! {Mike hits the brake, and the Goon car
speeds away} Where to?
GYPSY: Let's see a movie!
TOM: Toy store! Toy store!
CROW: I wanna go to the mall.
MIKE: Guys! Remember Joel?
BOB: His apartment. Duh.
MIKE: Of course. Let's go.
{Back at the strip club. The Death ray is still firing. Nate has his head on
Nuveena's shoulder, and his eyes closed. Nuveena yawns. Suddenly, the ray
stops. Nate snaps awake.}
NUVEENA: There! See! The horror of my Death Ray!
NATE: {inspecting the sheet metal} Wow. That ray punched a {he pokes his
fist through the hole} fist sized hole in one whole inch of metal, in just
under...{checks his watch} twenty minutes! I can already feel the world
collectively trembling.
{The gang arrives again at Joel's apartment. It looks ransacked.}
MIKE: Split up. Look for anything unusual.
{The gang searches, then meets at the dinner table}
MIKE: What did we find?
BOB: I found leftover macaroni and tuna. Help yourselves.
MIKE: Thanks! {he eats} Gypsy?
{Gypsy has some papers in her mouth. she spits them out}
TOM: Gross!
CROW: It's us!
TOM: It is!
{The papers contain sketches of scenes from the Satellite of Love; Joel and
the bots are present on each}
TOM: Boy, Joel must be taking some art classes. Look how much better he's
gotten.
GYPSY: I miss him.
MIKE: We'll find him soon, Gypsy. I promise. I found out that Joel's dresser
drawers are empty! No clothes!
TOM: He's a nudist!
CROW: AHHHHHHHH!
MIKE: Settle down! Settle down! It probably means he has packed, and gone
somewhere.
BOB: But, where?
{A single piece of paper falls to the table from above.}
MIKE: What's that?
TOM: It says "Gate 17, 5 pm."
MIKE: Could it mean an airport?
CROW: Duh!
MIKE: {Looking at roof} Thanks!
{My pleasure. Just making up for the phone booth}
BOB: That was nice. Let's get Nate, and get to the airport.
MIKE: How will we find him?
BOB: How long ago did we part company?
MIKE: I dunno. Three hours, maybe?
BOB: He'll still be at the strip club. We better hurry!
{Strip club}
NUVEENA: You find my Death Ray humorous?
NATE: Nope. Just pathetic.
NUVEENA: {turns the gun on Nate} Sample its full power, then!
{Nate flinches, and Nuveena activates the gun. It make a loud noise, then
explodes.}
NATE: Now, _that_ was humorous.
NUVEENA: NO!
NATE: Well, considering how much of a threat you are to the world in
general, I have no choice but to leave, and get on with my life. Bye.
{Goons surround Nate}
NUVEENA: You're staying!
{The gang enter}
BOB: Nate! We found Joel!
NATE: Not a good time for me, here!
BOB: Oh! You too, huh? Everyone! Look up there! {he points}
{Everyone looks up}
NUVEENA: What? What are we looking at? The ceiling?
{Nate and the gang leave.}
MIKE: {looking at ceiling} What are we looking at, anyhow?
{Airport. A plane is taking off, just as the gang arrives at Gate 17}
GYPSY: We're too late!
CROW: {runs up to window} Joel!
BOB: {to an employee} Where was that plane going?
EMPLOYEE: The states.
NATE: The United States?
EMPLOYEE: No, the Asian states.
NATE: Well, where are those?
MIKE: {grabs Nate by the ear} Let's go, you...
{The gang is back on the boat, crowded as ever}
CROW: Watch it!
BOB: Ow!
NATE: Cambot, could you POSSIBLY hover higher than my head?
TOM: Get your toe out of my ear!
MIKE: Sorry.
NATE: Where to, everyone?
GYPSY: Joel!
NATE: Ok. Boat, take us to wherever Joel will be when he reaches the United
States.
{Nate begins rowing, and a thick, ominous mist enshrouds the boat once
again.}
{cut back to the blue background with Mike/Jack}
JACK: Golly! What a wonderful adventure. It reminded me a lot of that movie,
starring that fellow, who was in all those TV shows in the seventies?
Well, never mind. Join us next time, fans, for another grand adventure!
Next time: The crew arrives in America! Joel attends a convention! Chaos
ensues! Someone gets punched out! Be here!
