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24 bottles in a case, 24 hours in a day -- coincidence?
(Sing in the same tune as the song in the movie: Sound of Music)
*ahem* La la la la... *ahem* LAAAAAA!!
DO...... the stuff... that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... a long way to get beer...
SO...... I'll have another beer...
LA...... I'll have another beer...
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...
(looks into an empty glass)
D'OH!
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"
A drunk returns home with an equally drunk friend.
"Thish ish my houshe!"
"And thash ish your pianer?"
"Yesh, and thish is my bedroom!"
"Thash ish your wife?"
"Yesh, and thash guy on top of her, thash me!"
Enter a bar optimistically... leave it misty optically.
Beer begins with a "B" and ends with a "P"
"Please barman, put two cherries in my martini. My doc says I need more fruit in my diet."
A drunk belches loudly before a married couple. The husband is furious.
"How dare you burp before my wife?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't realise it was her turn."
Some interesting signs I've seen about driving safely...
All those who want to live, lift your right foot (South Africa)
Better late than Mr late (India)
DRINK AND DrIvE
If you want to see 100, don't look for it on your speedometer! (in Bombay)
Three morons were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the lamp-rubber blurted, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"
Immediately the Genie clapped her hands With a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the trio considered their circumstances. The other two looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled silence, one spoke: "Nice going, Stupid! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
