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Computer Jokes

"Computers may be the best thing that ever happened to mankind, but why did the aliens dump them here?"

• Assembly Language Course: Some expansions of assembly language mnemonics, for instance,

  ARG : Agree to Run Garbage
  CMN : Convert to Mayan Numerals
  DDS : Damage Disk and Stop

• God's Computer. Having thrown his Windows thingy out one, the Most(ly) High turns to unix.

  #Enter user password.
  :Omniscient.
  #Password Incorrect. Try again!
  :Omnipotent.
  #Password Incorrect. Try again!
  :Technocrat.
  #And God signed on 1201 a.m., Sunday, March 1.

• Real Programmers' Axioms: They're rather dated, but still readable. In places anyway.

  1F) The more important a piece of equipment is, the more likely it is to break.
  20) The chance of a hard disk crash increases exponentially with every byte of data saved since the last backup. However, the chance returns to 0% as soon as a backup is made.

• Computer One Liners

• What computers can do in movies.

  - People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data.
  - A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries. (Remember "Goldeneye")
  - You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" message by using the "OVERRIDE" function. (See "Demolition Man".)

• Customers! One Wordperfect Services employee handles that truly scary case... the computer illiterate.

  "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
  "What's a sea-prompt?"

• Laws of Computers:

  There is always one more bug.
  Any running program, when running, is obsolete.
  If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
  If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

• The Keyboard Prayer

• How the chicken crossed the road. In many languages.

  Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road ...
  C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.
  C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.

• Software Development Cycles. You know, the programmer writes code, the testing department finds bugs, the programmer replaces each with two more, and ...

• Computer Illiterates. Like the Wordperfect -based joke of five jokes ago, but more general.

  A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

• What drug and computer dealers have in common. The first one says "The first one's free!" while the other whispers seductively "Download a free trial version..."

• Bill Gates. So God calls up three influential people and tells them the world's ending in a week...

• Who said IBM has no balls? Mouse balls of course, but the writer of this memo seemed to have forgotten that.

• What if Microsoft built cars?

  New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  The air bag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

• Is it better to be a jock or a nerd I mean, Michael Jordan makes $618 while he boils an egg!

• How to shoot yourself in the foot.

  LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which ...
  BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

• Beatles songs... modified

  Yesterday.
  All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
  Now my database has gone away.
  Oh I believe in yesterday.

• Remember when...

  MEG Was The Name Of My Girlfriend
  And GIG Was Your Middle Finger Upright
  Now They All Mean Different Things
  And That Really Mega Bytes