Redneck Jokes
                                                                                                         

  YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK :

If your wife ever said, " Honey, come move this transmission so I can take a bath. "

If one of your relatives ever died right after making the statement, " Hey ! Ya'll watch this ! "

If one of your children is named after your hunting dog.

If the main color of your pick up is primer gray.

If the value of your pick up goes up and down depending on the amount of gas it has in it.

If your porch falls in and kills more than six dogs.

If you have more than three cousins named Cletus.

If your belt buckle weights more than three pounds.

If your hunting dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

If your hunting dog chews tobacco.

If you use old plumbing fixtures as flower pots on the porch.

If your daddy walks you to school because you and him are in the same grade.

If you refer to the fourth grade as your senior year.

If you cut the grass in the front yard and find a vehicle.

If you ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower for your truck.

If you have ever tried to drown a fish.

If going to the bath room involves going outside.

If you have ever used a weed eater inside.

If you vacuum the bed sheets instead of washing them.

If you have ever valet parked a snowplow.

If your Christmas stocking is full of ammo.

If you actually like Spam.

If the same pair of cowboy boots have been in your family for five generations and they are only twenty years old.

If your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.

If you go to a family reunion to meet women.

If you think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.

If you've stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.

If you have ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.

If you think paprika is a Third World country.

If you have ever made change out of the offering plate.

If you think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre.

If you played the banjo in your high school band.

If you have no hub caps on your car because you are using them to feed your hunting dogs.

If you have a wind chime anywhere in your yard made out of old hub caps.

If the velvet paintings in your livingroom were bought from an art dealer along side of the highway.

If you have a bumper sticker that says "My Dad is an honor student" at the local junior high.

If your coffee table use to be a telephone cable spool.

If you keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

If you have ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.

If you have ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

If the Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

If the tail light lens on your truck are made of red tape.

If you have ever bathed with flea & tick soap.

If you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

If the dog catcher has to call for back up when he comes to your house.

If you are an expert on worm beds.

If your baby's first words are " Attention K-Mart Shoppers."

If your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

If the C B antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying aircraft.

If your mother doesn't put her shoes on to go grocery shopping.

If you have ever bought peroxide in a gallon jug.

If you've ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.

If your dog has brought home something that you cooked for dinner.

If you've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.

If you owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.

If you have a Hefty Bag for a passenger side window.

If you consider pork & beans to be a gourmet food.

If you can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

If you can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

If your screen door has no screen.

If you have a house that's mobile and fourteen cars that are not.

If your gene pool doesn't have a deep end.

If when you leave your house you are followed by agents of the A. T. F. and your only worry is if you can loose them.

If your hunting dog cost more than the truck that you drive him around in.

If you have an Elvis Jell-O mold.

If you have the taxidermist's number on speed dial.

If someone ask for your I. D. and you show them your belt buckle.

If the UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.

If every day people come to your door mistakenly thinking you are having a yard sale.

If people ask for permission to hunt in your front yard.

If your two year old has more teeth than you do.

If your personal checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.

If you've ever driven a tractor to the drive-in movie.

If your high school prom had a day care center.

If your idea of a night on the town is ordering two Big Macs and a large fry.

If your " I Love..." tattoo has more than one name crossed out on it.

If the entire police force of your home town knows you on a first name basis.

If the Home Shopping channel is the second most watched program in your house. ( Re-runs of Hee-Haw being the first.)

If your wife has a beard and you don't.

If you put out pickled eggs and beer for Santa.

If your bridal registry was at the bait shop.

If your coon dog was " Best Man " at your wedding.

If you purposed marriage to your best gal by spray painting the
" Big Question " on an overpass.

If you serve macaroni and cheese as Sunday dinner.

If you own a pair of cut offs made from double-knit pants.

If your living room sofa came out of a Chevrolet.

If you wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.

If you think another name for a pay toilet is Johnny Cash.

If your wife has only one bra and you have 14 rod & reels.

If you live in a $25,000 trailer and own a $60,000 bass boat.

If you've ever gone to a concert in the  Wal~Mart parking lot.

If you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture

If you think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are            " Drivers, start your engines."

If your yard is cleaner after a tornado than before.

If you take notes while watching the Three Stooges.

If you go to the city dump and leave with more than you took.

If you think fast food is hitting a possum at 70 miles per hour.

If you're not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you sure do like to look at the pictures.

If your grandmother has ever been kicked out of bingo night for her language.

If you were born on a pool table.

If the word NASCAR appeared anywhere in your wedding vows.

If you go to a wedding and everyone sits on the same side of the church.

If all the employees of the local Wal~Mart know you by name.

If you've been married three times and still have the same
in-laws.

If you have ever told your wife to move over in bed so the dog can have more room.

If you have ever held a family reunion in jail.

If you bought a VCR because wrestling was on while you were at work.

If your car insurance deductible is higher than the value of your car.

If in preparation for your wedding, you register your Tupperware pattern.

If your five year old can rebuild a carburetor.

If you consider tattooing a do-it-yourself art form.

If you are famous for your impression of a dog choking on a chicken bone.

If you were expelled from summer school.

If you've ever been asked to leave Shoney's all you can eat breakfast bar.

If your wife's best shoes have steel toes.

If your picture is on the wall of more than three bait stores.

If you buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.

If you have a grave in your front yard.

If you have ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.

If you think the theory of relativity has something to with inbreeding.

If your deceased hunting dog's tomb stone is larger than your grandfathers.

If you quit your job ," 'caus deer season is fix'en to start."

If there are more dishes in your sink than in the cabinets.

If your house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies.

If your best friends are named Skeeter and Possum.

If your idea of a summer vacation is running through the sprinkler in the front yard.

If you have the entire WWF slurpie cup collection proudly displayed on a shelf in your livingroom.

If you think "Hooked On Phonics" is a fishing show on T. V.

If you think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.

If the auto junk yard calls you looking for hard to find parts.

If you ask for the honeymoon suite at Motel Six.                                                                      
 
If You've ever used lard in bed.
 
If Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
 
If Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
 
If You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
 
If Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
 
IfYour wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
 
If In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
 
If You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
 
If A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
 
If An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
 
If You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
 
If You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
 
If Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
 
If Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
 
If Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
 
If You've ever hitchhiked naked.
 
If You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
 
If Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
 
If You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
 
If You list your parole officer as a reference.
 
If Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
 
 
                                                                                                                                                               
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