Blonde
Funnies
A FEW BLONDE STORIES
Two blondes
were walking down the road and the first blonde said
"Look at that
dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
------------
A blonde with
two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor
asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt
and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up
the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But what happened to your other ear?"
"They
called back." ----------------
This
executive was interviewing a nervous young blonde woman for a
position in
his company. He wanted to find out something about her
personality
so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who
would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one." -----------------
One day a
blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank
where they
kept the lobsters. She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse.
Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals
free.
-----------------
"Excuse me,
could you tell me the time?" asked the blonde of a
man on the
street corner. "Sure. It's three fifteen," he replied with a smile.
"Thanks," she
said, a puzzled look crossing her face. "You know,
it's the
weirdest thing I've been asking that question all day long, and
each time I
get a different answer." -------------------
A Blonde and
a brunette are walking through a park.
The brunette
looking at the ground, says, "Look! A dead bird!" The
blonde looks
up at the sky and says, Where?" ------------------
A blonde's
house is on fire. She runs outside and yells, "Help
me! My house
is on fire! What do I do?!" Someone else yells, "Call 911!" The blonde yells
back, "What's the number?!" ---------------
How can you
tell if your secretary is blonde?
White-out on
the computer screen.-------------
How can you
tell if another blonde been using the computer .... there's writing on the
"white-out".------------
What do you
call a brunette between two blondes?
The
Interpreter.-----------
A blonde was
driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair
shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some
fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard,
and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her
hands and knees and started
blowing into
her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still
nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said,
"What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had
instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to
pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You
need to roll up the windows first."--------------
'The
stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the
street.
I was crossing with an intellectectually-challenged blonde coworker of mine when
she asked if I knew what the buzzer was
for. I
explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she
responded, "What on earth are blind people doing
driving?!'--------
'I was at the
airport, checking in at the gate when a blonde airport
employee
asked, "Has anyone put any- thing in your baggage
without your
knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I
know?" She smiled knowingly and
nodded,
"That's why we ask.'------------------
The blonde
woke up to find her house on fire...she dialed 911 and said "come quick my house
is on fire"...the 911 operator said "how do we get there?"...the blonde said "on
the red fire truck, duh...."----------
How do you
get a blonde's eyes to sparkle .... shine a light in her
ear.------
What's the
advantage of being married to a blonde .... you can park in handicapped
zones.-----------
Why don't
blondes make chocolate chip cookies .... it takes to long to get the shells off
the M& M's-----------
What do you
get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts ....
change-----------
How do you
sink a submarine full of blondes .... knock on the
door--------
What stops
then goes, stops then goes .... A blonde at a blinking red
light--
What did the
blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios .... Hey, Look!! A bunch of
doughnut seeds--------
Why did it
take the blonde 7 days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago .... she kept seeing
signs that read .... stop clean bath room---------
There were
two blondes driving to disney land in Los Angeles. The were looking for signs
that would lead them there. One of them finally saw a sign. It said "Disney,
Left .... so they turned around and went back home----
How can you
tell when a fax has been sent from a blonde...there is a stamp on
it.-------
What do you
call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair...last years hide and go seek
winner.---------
Why do
blondes hate M & M's .... they're to hard to
peel.-----
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a
bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the
salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back
and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this
TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn,
he
recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and
new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few
days before she again approached the salesman. "I would
like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes,"
he
replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm
a
blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.
A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on.
She asks the woman working there for a haircut. The
blonde
sits down in the chair. The woman takes the blonde's
headphones off and cuts her hair. At the end, the woman
asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the
blonde
is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and
listens.
She hears: “Breathe in...breathe out...breathe
in...breathe
out."
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of
Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst
way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the
local
vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude
of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll
just
go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of
shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe
you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined,
the
blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching
herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he
spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water,
shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot
alligator
swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the
creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to
the
swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead
creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just
then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and
frustrated,
shouts out, "Wouldn't you know it, this one isn't wearing any
shoes
either!"
Q: How many blonde jokes are there?
A: One. The rest are all true stories.
A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first
time
found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began
undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming
examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments
over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door
and
a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked at his nude
patient
and said,
"Miss Smith, it seems quite obvious to me
that until today you have never undergone an eye
examination."
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
"I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining
that
they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the
next
best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"
Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my
zip
code keeps changing."
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well
over 90 mph. "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, " do
ya
see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of
fact, I do."
"Oh no", said the brunette. "Are his flashers on?
The blonde turned around again. "Yup... nope... yup...
nope...
yup...."
She is so blonde that it takes her two hours to watch "60
Minutes."
She is so blonde that she studied for a blood test -- and
failed.
She is so blonde, she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican
phone
company.
One day this cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The
cop
gets out of his car and asks the blonde for her license.
''You cops should get it together. One day you take away
my
license and the next day you ask me to show it.''
A blonde walks into the library and says to the
librarian,
''Can I have a burger and fries?''
''Sorry, this is a library.''
So the blonde whispers, ''Oh, may I have a burger and
fries?''
A blonde was filling out an application form for a job.
She
promptly filled the columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS,
etc. Then she came to the column: SALARY EXPECTED.
''Yes.''
A blonde walked into a gas station and told the manager,
''I
locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a
coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock
the
door.'' ''Why, sure,'' said the manager, ''we have
something
that works especially for that.'' A couple minutes later,
the
manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing.
He heard another voice. ''No, no, a little to the left,'' said
the
other blonde inside the car.
It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would
go
buy a coke. So she went to the coke machine and put her
money in, and a coke came out so she kept putting money
in it, and since it was a hot day a line had formed
behind
her.Finally the man behind her said, ''Will you hurry up
we're
all hot and thirsty!" And the blonde turned around and
said,
''No way. I'm still winning."
The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant
owned by two blondes:
“Parking for drive-through customers only!”
Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them
looks down and finds a mirror. She picks it up, looks at it.
''WOW! I know this person. I've seen this person
before.''
The other blonde takes the mirror and looks at it.
''Of course you do. Thats me.''
What did the blonde say when she saw a box Cheerios?
"Neato...Doughnut seeds!"
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished
her
jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said ''From 2-4 years.''
A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should
cut it in six or twelve pieces. She responded, ''Six, please.
I
could never eat twelve pieces.''
One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a
puzzle. She was really stumped, so she decided to ask her
husband for help.
''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally said.
''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''
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Indecent Exposure |
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A
blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of
her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware
that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.
"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."
"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"
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